Last year I decided to make resolutions such as, "I will eat and gain weight." and "I will smoke a pack of cigarettes a day." and "I will not keep a schedule and continue to run on chaos."
My mad thoughts were that if experience proves to be correct - I'll break these resolutions like I always do and by today I'd be skinny, smoke free and have a little order in my daily routine.
That surely didn't happen. For the first time ever, I've kept all of my New Years Resolutions. Thus proving that it can be done.
This coming year is going to bring a lot of changes. Gon graduates from college this spring and at some point after that we will be packing up the old UHaul and moving back to New England. Squirt will start Kindergarten next September, I'll land a new job and we'll more than likely buy or build our first new home.
Basically this year's resolutions are going to have to prepare me for these many changes.
First on my list would be a schedule and routine. I'll have to buy an alarm clock and wear a watch. To my utmost horror my weekdays will certainly be dictated by school bells and time clocks. There has got to be a way to get more bang out of my 24hrs without being late or behind on everything.
Next would be stuff. George Carlin said it best:
If we're going to be moving 2100 miles away it's better to pack lightly. In other words it's time to clean house, ditch stuff, give away stuff and break things down to just the essential stuff.
Selling the house furnished with stuff sounds like a great idea. In the meantime I need to spend a few hours each week slowly getting things in simple order so I won't be overwhelmed with stuff when the time comes.
The last resolution will have to be going on a diet. Nothing fits right anymore and I feel funny. Plus, if I have to get a new job all of my nice office/business attire won't fit unless I shed some poundage. So, starting Wednesday - the diet begins. Exercising will commence also as I have a good hour or more after dropping Squirt off to Pre-K until I have to be at work on the weekdays.
That's it. Sure I can tackle quitting smoking and some other vices but they'll just have to stick around for a wee bit longer. I will, in time - lessen these as I start to feel better and more organized with self, time and stuff.
What are your resolutions? Will I have any diet buddies out there? Shout out.
During the late night hours on Christmas Eve I created a new Christmas tradition. Like many housewives who hold down full time jobs, there are issues here concerning the creation of housework.
Now, now, now I don't mind doing the normal things. Cooking, laundry and all the in betweens that keep a house in decent order. I rarely ask for help with these matters but I won't turn down any offers to do them either.
What bugs me is the not picking up after oneself. No matter where your place is in a family it is downright rude and unappreciative to toss wads of paper, snot rags and stiff smelly socks on the floor. Especially with a preconceived concept that this is alright because someone else will pick it up and put it in its proper place for you.
Thus, Mrs. Claus is going to start making a naughty or nice list and begin making house calls.
Introducing The Christmas Rat
On Christmas Eve Mrs. Claus will perform a white glove inspection of the home. She will take note on places of disarray and outright disgust. With her trusty little CSI kit she will examine with a blue light for bodily fluids and germs. Sending them to the elf lab if need be to determine the cause or rather, the perpetrator of said household offense.
He or she who has the most unclean, nastiest area will have all of their candy removed from their stocking and in it's place - abig old black rat!!
The candy of course, especially anything chocolate - will be stuffed into the stocking of Mrs. Claus for compensation.
The Best Christmas Ever for me was this past Christmas. Again, my apologies on being so short and abrupt with this statement a few days back. At that time I couldn't find the perfect words to even attempt to describe my perfect day.
I still can't.
It just was. Perhaps it was the gleeful screech of a five year old daughter when she woke up Christmas Morning. Enjoying a great cup of fresh coffee on a comfortable sofa while she ripped into every present, whether hers or not.
The Basset hounds joining in on the fun, sniffing under the tree as if expecting a special gift themselves. A kitten, bright eyed and awake yet safe and securely hidden on a inner Christmas tree branch that was it's favorite perch for the last two weeks.
Everyone enjoyed Christmas here. Even the critters. When it came time to check our stockings we were greeted with yet another - five year old little girl screech - when she spotted the big black rat hanging out of Daddy's stocking. (Will explain in tomorrows post.)
All of the Screeching reminded me of a news story during Christmas time last year. A Florida couple purchased a Christmas tree and had it in the house for five days before decorating it. That's when the couple discovered a tiny screech owl in the tree.
They called a local Bird Sanctuary to come rescue the poor thing and after an examination and blood test, turned out the poor bird was stoned on Marijuana.
Stoned Screech Owl
Now call me silly if you may, but there is no way this poor owl came into their home five days ago stoned. Marijuana and it's effects don't last five days. No, something is fishy or rather smelling like skunk concerning this whole entire story.
Think about it, if I found a scared and frightened screech owl in my Christmas tree - I would first laugh my ass off. Call a few friends to come over and see this strange occurrence. Then more than likely we would have a spontaneous impromptu Christmas Party right here in my living room.
Yes, I'm afraid to say it. The music would start kicking. The spirits would start flowing. The bongs would start gurgling and I'm 100% certain that the poor Screech Owl would catch himself quite a buzz. Some of our friends and yes, even ourselves are sick like that when festively under the influence.
Sober Screech Owl
The Bird Sanctuary named the owl Cheech the Screech. A name so appropriate. They released the bird a few days later and I'm sure - the wise old owl remembers his best Christmas ever. Except much like me he can't find the perfect words to describe his incredible day.
First, my apologies for the past short posts without any explanations. I tried pulling jokes or other items out of my Blog Fodder Folder but found that I wasn't in a creative or funny state of mind.
I returned to work Thursday and Mrs. IOH is now home from rehabilitation with quickly escalating Alzheimer's. I hoped not to exaggerate but this was the worst day of my entire life. I didn't know what to do, what to say or how to handle this entire situation.
Here is a woman who I've come to love, respect and honor as a wonderful friend through the years. Before me was the biggest responsibility I've ever had to take on yet at the same time wanted to take on because I care about her.
She was a wreck, full of anxiety and paced the floor in circles behind her walker in hopes to regain strength. She was worried about the contents of closets, drawers and the refrigerator, demanding that things be in perfect order. I started to get just as frustrated and couldn't get away, not even for a second in fear that she'd tumble backwards.
Thinking I had to nip this in the bud now, I treated her like I thought an Alzheimer's patient should be treated. Almost the same way that I treat my five year old daughter. "Sit down and stay put so I can go make lunch."
"Stop that, your going to hurt yourself."
Then she replied again - the broken record, "But I got to get strong, I have to get ahead."
"Get ahead of what!?" I asked in frustration.
That's when it hit me, she didn't know what was wrong with her. Then ding-a-ling me had to go and tell her she has Alzheimer's. Of course she reacted and that was a mess.
However, it's now been two days and it turns out telling her that she had Alzheimer's was the best thing to do. She's now focused, understands what is happening and wants a routine to help her maintain, feel secure and remember. She needed to grieve, accept and finally come to terms on what is happening at this point in her life. It was very difficult for her.
Today, we spent eight wonderful, fun hours together. If things stay this way we'll both will have many more good times together. I may have to remind her from time to time, but I know I will never forget. I will never forget that here is a woman who I've come to love, respect and honor as a wonderful friend.
To embrace this responsibility and help her write this final chapter to a complete and full happy ending.
Unfortunately, I know all too well - that this will leave me with a heart shattered in a gazillion pieces.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis
So who is your favorite Cartoon Character of all time? There are many on my list but come Christmas time I gotta have me some Snoopy....
It's a beautiful Christmas Eve Day here in Savannah, Georgia. Not a cloud to be seen nor a snowflake will fall but I'd like to believe that tonight when I go outside to bring in some hidden Christmas presents - one will fall just for me. Life has a way of giving us such precious and personal moments if we care to look, listen and receive them.
Speaking of which I got a beautiful Christmas Card this weekend, personally made by my wonderful friend Patrick...
"If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth." - Mitsugi Saotome
The Bergermeister Meisterberger Files (Episode VII)
To Bergermeister Meisterberger the Christmas Spirit found in Sombertown's outlying suburban Trailer Parks is the most deplorable.
Not only because they look like a Super Walmart exploded all over the place, but because their Christmas decor remains in place throughout the entire year.
Surely, trailer parks are the perfect place to uncover some atrocious illegalities. In the middle of the night on a top secret mission deemed "Operation Grinch" - Bergermeister sent his guards down to raid the mobile homes.
Besides the danger of electrocution this was indeed a dangerous mission. They may be Rednecks but by all means that doesn't make them stupid. They cleverly secured their tin can homes with various security and intimidation measures.
Basset Hounds bayed and the guards hadn't a chance in frozen hell to escape the view of the wrong end of a rifle. Security cameras were disguised in the most unlikely of places.
Yes, the mission was doomed from the start. There was no way in hell nor high water that Bergermeister's minion army could uncover illegal Christmas toys hiding under their booby trapped artificial Christmas trees.
Christmas trees that cleverly disguised their weapons of mass destruction such as bottle bombs...
..and drums of well... let us just say you wouldn't want to know.
The mission, wasn't a complete failure. Perhaps it was the Jack Daniels but early in the morning as the sun began to rise, the Bergermeister Troops sent in Donner the undercover reindeer to snoop through Bubba's backpack.
BUSTED! There among the Jack Links Beef Jerky and can of Skoal they found Bo the Huntin' Dawg's Roadkill squeaky toy.
Sorry Bo, but this qualifies as a certain Toy hereby declared Illegal, immoral, unlawful by the Bergermeister. Since you were found with such a toy in your possession you shall be placed on a leash and thrown in the pound!
Fast Food From the God Box: "Go Tell it to the Mountain"
I love the watching the History Channel because I love to learn. However, often is the case when certain topics cause me to secretly question my faith. It is very much like when a child starts to question the validity of Santa Claus.
This past week the History Channel has been doing many interesting episodes on Christmas. In six days they successfully dried up my Christmas tree and shriveled it's decorative balls. Our stockings became evil dream catchers and Santa turned into Satan. Even the myth of the German Christmas Pickle was debunked.
Television took away everything that signified Christmas to me. Right down to it being the day when Jesus Christ was born when they claimed His birthday is in September.
Do I believe all of these tales of our history? Yes indeed, but my issue is regarding on what to do about it now that I'm considering that Jesus may not be the reason for this season.
It was us who caused the whole thing. From our imaginations, our hopes, our compassion and spirits. Our beliefs, our dreams, our wishes and innocence.
Gifts that not even the most intelligent History Channel episode can squeeze out of our hearts and souls.
"Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world. You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding." - YES VIRGINIA THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS
Sorry History Channel, you can go tell it all to the Mountain. There is a reason for the season! As long as there is a gift to unwrap, a dream to come true or a prayer to be answered...
My faith will remain just like that there mountain.
The Bergermeister Meisterberger Files (Episode VI)
Don't think for a moment that a bright red toy can slip by unnoticed within the gates of Sombertown. It wasn't too very long ago when the Bergermeister declared a city wide epidemic on the flea carrying, red furred bubonic vermin that giggled, rolled on the streets laughing, danced the Hokey Pokey and behaved like a Chicken on the steps of the town's hall.
This morning it seems a new mutant version of the evil red vermin has manifested. A Rocking Elmo that encourages innocent children and adults to, "Crap Your Hands" to rock and roll tunes.
Bergermeister has put Sombertown under a state of emergency while the police, foot soldiers and town drunks are in full force to eradicate this terrorizing threat to humanity.
This product is hereby deemed unlawful by the order of the Bergermeister AND Anyone found shopping in stores or online for a Crap Your Hands Elmo Will be placed under arrest and flown down to Guantanamo Bay!
This Christmas I decided to do something a little different....
..buy myself some electronics! Mr. Lappy the laptop arrived yesterday and my husband is still busy playing with it. Granted he's loading programs, drivers and other bells and whistles but I'm starting to think that maybe I should have bought him one too.
Of course, he can share it with me but I mainly bought it for something to do while at work caring for the IOH's. I'm even thinking about talking Mrs. IOH into blogging her own autobiography and I hope she goes for it. I've been trying to think of something to do that will occupy her mind and focus onto something tolerable for everyone. Remembering the past and what to have me write about - sounds like the plan so far. Plus - I really believe that someone born in 1917 has a lot of value in what they can share.
Then, of course my job won't last forever and I know that. Gon graduates college this May and I'm thinking of returning to college myself. I'll need Mr. Lappy then and may need it if I return to work doing the 9-5 someday.
I also snagged myself a new flat screen monitor for my desktop, a new keyboard, mouse and stereo system. What I really need is some new fashionable clothes, a haircut and some socks but no - it's high time I be landing some toys while I can. Although I did splurge on a spiffy ladies laptop bag, A nice purse if I say so myself even if it doesn't have a laptop in it but the kitchen sink instead.
All in all, I'm done. Done baking, knocked off the Southern Comfort Fruit cakes this afternoon. Done shopping for gifts, groceries and all in between. I'm off of work until Thursday morning and I'm staying in Pajama's and slippers only to shower and change into a fresh pair of Pajama's and slippers upon waking each morning.
I'm ready to start enjoying my new toys. Now if only I can kick my husband off of Mr. Lappy.
This is rough and sometimes I don't believe that I have enough strength nor sanity to continue through it. This Alzheimer's is nothing like I remembered it to be when my favorite Grandfather was afflicted with it. Then again, I was only twelve during the onset and Grandpop seemed perfectly alright and normal to me then.
In fact, as most 12 year olds tend to do I never listened carefully and thought that Alzheimer's was pronounced "Old Timers".
Old Timer's, after all - are supposed to tell you stories of their earlier eras and experiences. It wasn't until the Chocolate bar incident when I finally got a grip on what I thought Alzheimer's was. Grandpa offered me a few squares of Exlax and of course, I accepted the treats without suspicion. Never in a million years would I had suspected that in twenty minutes I would be writhing on the floor with stomach cramps and camped out in the bathroom for the remainder of the day.
This is what I was expecting and so far have received from Mr. IOH. He is an absolute charm, a sweetheart who sometimes forgets things and needs to be coaxed. Mostly pleasant and much like my own five-year-old daughter - he tends to put his shoes on the wrong feet and would rather lunch be nothing but Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Mrs. IOH is a different story and nobody had a clue that she was afflicted with Alzheimer's also. In fact, we all chalked her behaviors up to personality as she was always quite a stickler over things. However, now that we know doesn't make things any easier for us.
The past few weeks have been easy for me, long hours but easy as Mrs. IOH has been in a Nursing Home to undergo therapy and other matters to prepare her for when she comes home. That will be this Saturday morning and I'm certain work and life as I know it will totally change.
I'm hoping it won't be that bad but must admit I'm a bit apprehensive. Before she went in to the Doctor's she was having me go through closets and drawers with her. Over and over and over again. She can't see and needed to know what is in these things and wanted everything labeled. She took hours contemplating the status of a single pantry shelf.
I'm a patient and kind person, but I can't go through this every single day. For now, I'm going to pray and then pray some more. Plan as well - there has got to be something I can get her to focus on that would be productive and fun for the both of us.
Anyone out there been through this before? What did you do?
I'm going to do another Christmas Meme today because I've been working too many hours lately. However, a new laptop is on the way and if all goes well I hope to be online during work by the end of the week.
Dr. John has this cool new Christmas Meme and I think I'm gonna try it out. The idea is :
1. Go to Google images and type in the screen name of somebody who leaves comments on your blog.
2. From the first page of images pick a Christmas gift for that person.
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown. So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!
3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for goodness sake, make us anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!
8. A new, more hip persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!
Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly, Barbie
**********************************
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along wit Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.
Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others.
PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.
On the 13th Day 'til Christmas Cookies mean to me...
Finally, the massive undertaking of baking Christmas cookies has been completed. Countless dozens of eight different varieties all cluttering my kitchen counter in shiny new gift tin containers. Not to mention the two gallon Rubbermaid container chock full of these buttery delights.
That container folks, is all for me. Okay, okay - I may share some with Gon and Squirt. Santa may even have a few but just a few. Other than that, all for me.
Yup. Yum. Dieting is now on hold until January 2, 2008. Bring on the eggnog, the chocolate, the stockings full of candy and keep the healthy fruit away for the next three weeks.
Unless the fruit is cleverly disguised as Marzipan fruit slices. Can't ever get enough of those.
In fact this keyboard is starting to look like a huge white Chocolate Hershey Bar...
Y'all gotta try out and taste the "One" key. It's scrumptious.
It's tough being a girl sometimes. Particularly if you have big knockers. You tend to worry about wearing long necklaces because the pendant gets lost between your cleavage. Then there are times when the chain just hangs wrong, framing an entire boob in 24K gold as if to say, "Hey, look at me."
You learn to adjust, by choosing your frozen food through the closed glass doors first vs. standing there in sub zero temps admiring Ben and Jerry's.
However even with the many precautions a gal can take she never really escapes the Google....
To Bergermeister, it's one thing to deal with Santa sneaking toys into Sombertown. Quite another thing to have a Super Walmart set up shop and sell toys just outside the city limits. However, Bergermeister is wincing in angst over a certain Presidential Candidate cleverly disguising campaign gift toys as a Kitchen Utensil!
The Hillary Clinton Nutcracker. It's enough to make not only Bergermeister wince, but Senator Obama, George W. Bush and all of the GOP candidates are feeling the squeeze and assuming the fetal position.
Even Bill shouted out, "Ho-Ho-Ho... Ouch!"
This product is hereby deemed unlawful by the order of the Bergermeister AND Anyone found voting for Hillary Will be placed under arrest and thrown in the dungeon!
Oh come on now, why so shocked? We all do it and usually I do it privately, discretely as to not offend anyone. The bathroom is a good place for not much can go wrong in there.
That is unless your naked and sitting on a bowl of water with dangling strands of Christmas lights around your neck....
Yeah, I know - each and everyone of you really needed to see that. I couldn't help myself but to share, it's so... um... so enlightening and full of Christmas spirit.
Judy enlightened me to this fun little Christmas meme. To play along, just click the picture above and let us know you are playing.
1. Christmas is JOY. [fill in the blank with ONE WORD]
2. In memories, what was the best part of your Christmases past?Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go! The best Christmas's were when I celebrated them within a FUNCTIONAL family gathering.
3. Was Santa ever good to you? [describe how and what]No, not really. I never ever got what I really wanted. Even today an Amazon wish list goes ignored. I long for the day when I open a gift, jump out of my chair with excitement and give the giver a giant huge bear hug of joy.
4. Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or both? Christmas morning.
5. Is there something you make each and every year? [craft or recipe]Lots and lots of Christmas Cookies, dozens of 7 different kinds. Also my secret recipe for Southern Comfort Fruitcake which is in high demand this year. I always thought when you gift a fruitcake peeps would groan, moan and use it later as a door stopper. Not this one. Lastly, for Christmas Dinner I make a Beef Wellington.
6. What is your favorite five[5] Christmas songs/hymns? Jingle Bell Rock by Brenda Lee, Blue Christmas by Elvis, Frosty the Snowman by Shaman, ALL of the Gary Hoey songs, and of course, the classic; Bing Crosby's White Christmas.
7. Is there a new tradition for Christmas since your childhood days?The Missing Baby Jesus. It's a new tradition here on Christmas Morning with my new family. About a week before, baby Jesus goes missing from the Nativity Scene. Only one person knows where He went. For that sneaky person kidnaps baby Jesus and wraps Him up in the most unexpected way. On Christmas morning, someone is bound to unwrap their gift and receive Jesus. Then we all sit back and recall the true meaning of Christmas.
8. Describe one of your Christmas trips. [whether it's across town or across country] How about a trip across my living room floor head first? Never fails, either village houses from under the tree get moved out for play. A stray reindeer's antlers stab the bottom of my unslippered feet or a slide across the newly waxed hardwood floor on a strip of wrapping paper. Yes, I always manage to trip and fall at sometime during the Christmas season.
9. Do you have a special Christmas outfit to wear for the day? Lately for the past few years here in Georgia, it's been a Christmas Tshirt and shorts. Until we move North again I'm afraid I'll never get to wear any of my Christmas Sweaters or sweatshirts again.
10. Have YOU or any of your family members sat on Santa's lap?I've sat on Santa on a number of places.
11. What is/or will be on your Christmas tree this year? Everything but the kitchen sink, heck even a kitten is snoozing away within one of the branches. It's freaky - anyone who gets close to get a look at our tree soon finds out that it's looking right back at them.
12. Do you/or have you decorated your yard for Christmas?Yes, we have the typical Trailer Park Ho display, lots of candy canes and odds and ends throughout the gardens. Two, which have turned out missing this year and our daughter noticed yesterday. With this and our recent home burglary she was inclined to put her hands on her hips and declare, "I'm tired of people thinking we are a store. We're NOT a store." We rolled off our chairs laughing at that one.
The Bergermeister Meisterberger Files (Episode IV)
It's a difficult responsibility That we extract from the Number One Law keeper, Bergermeister Meisterberger. That certain Toys are hereby declared Illegal, immoral, unlawful AND Anyone found with such a toy in his/her possession Will be placed under arrest and thrown in the dungeon!
Yes, it's that time of year again and Bergermeister Meisterberger has sent out his team of Anti-elves to storm the department stores and shelves for toys that are deplorable. With half of this years toys recently pulled off the shelves due to China manufacturers using lead in their paints - it was so far a quiet season in Sombertown.
That was, until Bergermeister Meisterberger got wind of this stocking stuffer....
A nifty little set of Jesus Pencil Topper Erasers. Now, now boys and girls - of course Jesus forgives and washes away our sins. Erases our slate clean so we can be presented in robes of white, perfect and without blemish to the Lord.
But, to use the image of Jesus to erase your typos - BLASPHEMY!
Something just doesn't seem right when it comes to turning Jesus upside down and rubbing his head on a piece of paper until he appears bald.
The next toy on Bergermeister's list of immoral and unlawful would be this Jesus Action Figure Set. The Miracle Jesus complete with five loafs of bread, two fishes and a vat of wine.
This toy is hereby banned because there are no Jesus toy accessories sold separately. Jesus needs friends and who, just who do you think your imaginative child is going to have Jesus play with?
Little girls will throw poor Jesus into the throws of sin living with Barbie and cruisin' the town in her Pink Corvette. Little boys will include Jesus in their Star Wars Action Sets and turn Him into a Jedi Warrior.
No folks, it's not good to have a toy Jesus as your child's favorite Tubby Time toy. Sure, He walked on water but I'm sure it's not acceptable to have Him snorkeling in a Bubble pond full of rubber duckies.
These products are hereby deemed unlawful by the order of the Bergermeister!
(If you missed them visit last year's Bergermeister Meisterberger Episodes I, II and III)
On the 19th Day 'til Christmas I about fell over dead...
I haven't worked a 40 hour week in over 8 years, let alone 64 hours with two more days left to go. As I sit here on this lovely Saturday morning, I'm so far behind on stuff I don't know where to begin. There is a friend that I miss and need to call, shopping to do and heck - I haven't visited my mailbox in a week. There may be shut off notices in there.
It's time to start delegating chores here at home and put some rules up on the refrigerator.
1) Make your own beds and sorry dear husband, last one out of bed makes it. In addition there will be no more accidental bed wetting or drinking of fluids after 7pm for a certain little girl that lives here. The laundry is piled up over my head as it is.
2) He who is delegated to cook dinners shall follow the recipes and directions. This is NOT a time to decide to play Iron Chef and incorporate different spicy and hot seasonings. Especially when the meal is rendered inedible by your 5 year old daughter and starving wife. Grilled Cheese and Tomato soup should remain just that.
3) On the topic of laundry, please make sure your clothing gets into the laundry room, preferably the hamper. I should not have to go on a scavenger hunt to gather up scattered socks and undershorts.
4) Lastly, there is this big rubbermaid receptacle called a trash can or garbage can if you may. It's sole purpose is to have trash thrown into it. You know, stuff like candy wrappers, cigarette packs, snot filled kleenex, soda bottles and other various litter.
Once the litter makes the trash can if it seems full it is indeed full. Do not squash down creating a compacted bag weighing 50lbs that breaks during it's removal. Speaking of removal, when full simply snatch up the bag and walk out the front door. A few feet away you'll find a conveniently placed Curbie to toss it into.
The Curbie must be taken to the Curb come Tuesday night for the trashmen to pick up Wednesday morning. Please do not place Curbie behind my parked vehicle. Especially when I'm not quite caffeinated in the mornings and am trying to get out the door with my hands and mind full.
That's it for now, but hopefully after I come home this evening after work I can blog again and catch up.
On the 21st Day 'til Christmas, Going Postal Means To Me...
With bills now electronically paid and correspondence primarily by phone, text or email; a trip to the Post Office has become quite a rarity. Except for this joyous time of year when I need to land a new book of stamps for sending out Christmas cards. The ones left over from last year are now a few cents short.
Today was that day, in addition I had to pick up a package sent by Mom loaded with our Christmas presents. Thanks Mom, if you're reading this - I needed a forklift operator to get the thing into my car. Then again, this is just another of many packages our Mail Lady refuses to deliver.
She seems to be a deep south Cajun, a refugee from Post Katrina New Orleans and her dialect is next to impossible to understand. Particularly when she is up in arms over something. In particular, something like delivering anything to house Number 5.
She appears to be having issues with our kitty cat. When I confronted her about my packages as soon as I mentioned my house number she backs.... no she jumps away and her eyes pop out like an Uncle Ben's box of wild rice just flew out of the cabinet at her.
"Nuh. Maam. Nut un my life 'taint be no messin' with tat demon on de perch. No lawd. No. Nuh uh. Sorry. Ya'awls be outcha yer minds!"
What? Demon? Perch? Is this crazy woman talking about our darling, sweet and allbeit very overweight kitty cat Sass?
"Yes'm Maam. You ouch ya'awls minds. Som'un shoul call de law on you awls. Ain't legal keepin' wile-life up on yer perch. Demon. Possessed. Satan eyed jaquar done et chickens alive un still yer soul. No lawdy. No."
Well heck, while at the PO I tried to complain to her supervisor and manager. They have already heard about this demon cat from hell and fully support the Mail Lady's choice not to deliver.
Despite my best efforts I couldn't convince them that our cat is a Christian.
See, he is so domesticated and civilized he won't even fight back when a kitten smacks him in the dome. In fact he turns the other cheek!! I guess we're going to have to start using Fed Ex or UPS from now on. At least their drivers know enough to offer Sass a dog biscuit.
On the 22nd Day 'til Christmas, Groaning Means To Me...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "'And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
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By golly, what a long day. Mrs. IOH is in the hospital for the week and I took this opportunity to clean their house from top to bottom while I'm there caring for Mr. IOH. I'm pooped, but it looks good. I had to do it for I suspect Mrs. IOH will be needing a wheelchair from now on and I wanted stuff out of the way.
She's having a time of things over at the hospital and the nurses aren't taking too well to her spunky stubborness. They tied her up and she's been in a tizzy getting herself sick wanting out of there. I doubt we'll ever get her to go to a Doctor again after this.
Other than a possibility that a patient would cause harm to theirselves or others, is it still okay to tie old peeps up with a sheet? It just seems wrong, I could never do that. Granted Mrs. IOH deserves it sometimes, I still feel she is an adult - my elder, and well ... I just would feel like it was disrespectful is all. =O(
Man, I'm tired. 12-15 hour days without a day off in site for God knows how long. I'm going to need to hire a housekeeper. 'Til tomorrow.....
On the 23rd Day 'til Christmas, Blogging on Mondays Means To Me...
Memes! Yup, you heard right - I's got'sa meme this evening and am borrowing this festive Christmas Meme from Judy to get me through tonight.
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper but keep bags on hand for emergency re-gifting. 2. Real or artificial tree? Fake, but you really can't tell the difference. 3. When do you put up the tree? The first weekend of December. 4. When do you take the tree down? After New Years. 5. Do you like eggnog? Ohhhh yeah. Puts on the pounds though but gotsa have it. 6. Favorite gift received as a child? None. I grew up poor and my father was Bergermeister Meisterberger. 7. Do you have a nativity scene? Three. One I don't dare use lest it gets broken. Another is a Fisher Price Little People set that Squirt can play with and the other - a possible last minute re-gift if needed. 8. Hardest person to buy for? My husband. He is eclectic with electronics and I'd never ever be able to surprise him with what he likes, wants, needs. So he gets pants instead. 9. Easiest person to buy for? Squirt - a tube of wrapping paper will do just fine. 10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A fat ass electric jar opener thingy that would take up a big hunk of my counter space. 11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Snail mail. 12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A Christmas Carol. 13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I don't, I'm poor. 14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No, not yet. 15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My Southern Comfort Fruit Cake. 16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Both. Clear to twinkle and colors constant. 17. Favorite Christmas song? All of the songs on Gary Hoey's Album "HoHoHoey" 18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay Home. 19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. Oh yeah, and that funny one with the big red shiny nose. Adolf? 20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Santa Claus' is sitting on top of there now. I feel funny going up an Angel's skirt all of the time and stuffing her butt with prickly pine needles. 21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? Christmas Afternoon, I'm sleeping in. 22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? It's warm and I'm still wearing shorts and a tshirt. 23. Do you decorate your tree in any specific theme or color? Off White and Burgundy originally but through the years everything is tossed on there. One of the neighborhood girls just said Saturday, while helping us put up the tree, "Your tree has too many balls and won't fit anymore." 24. What do/did you leave for Santa? Milk and Cookies that Gon and I now eat when Squirt goes to bed. However, as what I leave out for Santa... I'm not telling. =O)
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On the home front, all is well - nice house and opportunity yesterday but still considering many options first. House hunting can be so much fun. NOT.
Then there is work, my elderlies now need 24hr Home Care and both have Alzheimers. Not necessarily good news other than my hours have tripled temporarily.
On the 24th Day 'til Christmas Home Sweet Home Means To Me...
It's not a secret that for the last five years our home has been a mobile home. During this time I was a bit disillusioned that we were safe from bad guys and burglars. Little did I know it only took a spam key and a can opener to break into the place.
I remember clearly when my new husband and I landed pregnant four months into our honeymoon. We needed to build a nest yet at the same time have an economical plan for he had just settled into his first year of college.
We opted to keep things humble and simple, not having a huge mortgage over our heads would mean less stress. If things went well, we could save our money - if not, we wouldn't need much money to keep all the bells and whistles going.
Buried under a mountain of Kudzu, weeds and waist high grass we found this charming little 2 bedroom/2 bath, 12' by 60', 1967 mobile home pictured in the above right. It was the same age as we were and seemingly laid to pasture, neglected and most importantly cheap.
Cool things about the older style mobile homes, they are made out of real materials and it doesn't take much to scrub down, paint up and make a comfortable living quarters. It didn't take long to turn our home into a cute, comfortable and humble little oasis of retreat.
This morning as I look around and enjoy all the hard work this past week on Christmas decorations, I humbly sit back as I realize this may be the last Christmas we'll spend here in this tiny little home.
This afternoon we're all going out to check out our potential new home! I highly suspect it will be buried under mountains of kudzu, brush and waist high grass also. Our first real bonafide house, with office and warehouse in the back.
We have yet to see it, but we've been dreaming about the potentials for the last two days and we're all bubbling over with excitement.
Yet at the same time, I sit here this morning wondering that by this time next year - who will be living here? Will this home serve up as sweet for them - as it has for us the past five years?
Not just wondering, but dreaming and hoping, a new young family with a gorgeous little girl - can make memories and enjoy this time of their lives. Here in this humble home sweet home.
Hey Y'all, it's December 1st and time to get festive and kick in a bit of Holiday Spirit here at Do You Have Issues? Hopefully if all goes well I can dedicate a post each day to peeps who have brightened up my spirits. From Bloggy Buds, friends, family and neighbors.
First on my list is to hit Walmart up. Yes folks, I need to make a Walmart run here shortly. It's an economical way of snatching up all the little doodads we're gonna need this holiday season. Stuff like Flour, butter, wrapping paper, bows, lights, scotch tape, tags and KY Jelly.
An interesting fact, did you know that my entire family works for Walmart? Mom pushes jewelry during the day, while Dad pushes the broom after midnight. The little sisters, they all manage one department or another. Even my Ex-husband can be found mounting tires or changing fluids in the Tire, Lube Express section.
There was a time when yours truly had worked at Wally World also. Not a bad experience overall, but I could never forget the pressure, headaches and worn out footwear while working there over the Christmas Season. It's insane! The work non-stop and the Christmas Bonus a bit on the shabby side.
For all this and more, here is a little video I made dedicated to all my family and friends who work at Walmart. A bit of a warning though, for those sensitive types out there who shudder when they hear the F-word. This video may not be for you.
But for all those Walmart and retail workers who find themselves shouting, whispering or at the very least thinking the F-word during this busy holiday season, this my friends goes out to you!
