On the 13th Day 'til Christmas Cookies mean to me...
Finally, the massive undertaking of baking Christmas cookies has been completed. Countless dozens of eight different varieties all cluttering my kitchen counter in shiny new gift tin containers. Not to mention the two gallon Rubbermaid container chock full of these buttery delights.
That container folks, is all for me. Okay, okay - I may share some with Gon and Squirt. Santa may even have a few but just a few. Other than that, all for me.
Yup. Yum. Dieting is now on hold until January 2, 2008. Bring on the eggnog, the chocolate, the stockings full of candy and keep the healthy fruit away for the next three weeks.
Unless the fruit is cleverly disguised as Marzipan fruit slices. Can't ever get enough of those.
In fact this keyboard is starting to look like a huge white Chocolate Hershey Bar...
Y'all gotta try out and taste the "One" key. It's scrumptious.
To Bergermeister, it's one thing to deal with Santa sneaking toys into Sombertown. Quite another thing to have a Super Walmart set up shop and sell toys just outside the city limits. However, Bergermeister is wincing in angst over a certain Presidential Candidate cleverly disguising campaign gift toys as a Kitchen Utensil!
The Hillary Clinton Nutcracker. It's enough to make not only Bergermeister wince, but Senator Obama, George W. Bush and all of the GOP candidates are feeling the squeeze and assuming the fetal position.
Even Bill shouted out, "Ho-Ho-Ho... Ouch!"
This product is hereby deemed unlawful by the order of the Bergermeister AND Anyone found voting for Hillary Will be placed under arrest and thrown in the dungeon!
Oh come on now, why so shocked? We all do it and usually I do it privately, discretely as to not offend anyone. The bathroom is a good place for not much can go wrong in there.
That is unless your naked and sitting on a bowl of water with dangling strands of Christmas lights around your neck....
Yeah, I know - each and everyone of you really needed to see that. I couldn't help myself but to share, it's so... um... so enlightening and full of Christmas spirit.
Judy enlightened me to this fun little Christmas meme. To play along, just click the picture above and let us know you are playing.
1. Christmas is JOY. [fill in the blank with ONE WORD]
2. In memories, what was the best part of your Christmases past?Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go! The best Christmas's were when I celebrated them within a FUNCTIONAL family gathering.
3. Was Santa ever good to you? [describe how and what]No, not really. I never ever got what I really wanted. Even today an Amazon wish list goes ignored. I long for the day when I open a gift, jump out of my chair with excitement and give the giver a giant huge bear hug of joy.
4. Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or both? Christmas morning.
5. Is there something you make each and every year? [craft or recipe]Lots and lots of Christmas Cookies, dozens of 7 different kinds. Also my secret recipe for Southern Comfort Fruitcake which is in high demand this year. I always thought when you gift a fruitcake peeps would groan, moan and use it later as a door stopper. Not this one. Lastly, for Christmas Dinner I make a Beef Wellington.
6. What is your favorite five[5] Christmas songs/hymns? Jingle Bell Rock by Brenda Lee, Blue Christmas by Elvis, Frosty the Snowman by Shaman, ALL of the Gary Hoey songs, and of course, the classic; Bing Crosby's White Christmas.
7. Is there a new tradition for Christmas since your childhood days?The Missing Baby Jesus. It's a new tradition here on Christmas Morning with my new family. About a week before, baby Jesus goes missing from the Nativity Scene. Only one person knows where He went. For that sneaky person kidnaps baby Jesus and wraps Him up in the most unexpected way. On Christmas morning, someone is bound to unwrap their gift and receive Jesus. Then we all sit back and recall the true meaning of Christmas.
8. Describe one of your Christmas trips. [whether it's across town or across country] How about a trip across my living room floor head first? Never fails, either village houses from under the tree get moved out for play. A stray reindeer's antlers stab the bottom of my unslippered feet or a slide across the newly waxed hardwood floor on a strip of wrapping paper. Yes, I always manage to trip and fall at sometime during the Christmas season.
9. Do you have a special Christmas outfit to wear for the day? Lately for the past few years here in Georgia, it's been a Christmas Tshirt and shorts. Until we move North again I'm afraid I'll never get to wear any of my Christmas Sweaters or sweatshirts again.
10. Have YOU or any of your family members sat on Santa's lap?I've sat on Santa on a number of places.
11. What is/or will be on your Christmas tree this year? Everything but the kitchen sink, heck even a kitten is snoozing away within one of the branches. It's freaky - anyone who gets close to get a look at our tree soon finds out that it's looking right back at them.
12. Do you/or have you decorated your yard for Christmas?Yes, we have the typical Trailer Park Ho display, lots of candy canes and odds and ends throughout the gardens. Two, which have turned out missing this year and our daughter noticed yesterday. With this and our recent home burglary she was inclined to put her hands on her hips and declare, "I'm tired of people thinking we are a store. We're NOT a store." We rolled off our chairs laughing at that one.
The Bergermeister Meisterberger Files (Episode IV)
It's a difficult responsibility That we extract from the Number One Law keeper, Bergermeister Meisterberger. That certain Toys are hereby declared Illegal, immoral, unlawful AND Anyone found with such a toy in his/her possession Will be placed under arrest and thrown in the dungeon!
Yes, it's that time of year again and Bergermeister Meisterberger has sent out his team of Anti-elves to storm the department stores and shelves for toys that are deplorable. With half of this years toys recently pulled off the shelves due to China manufacturers using lead in their paints - it was so far a quiet season in Sombertown.
That was, until Bergermeister Meisterberger got wind of this stocking stuffer....
A nifty little set of Jesus Pencil Topper Erasers. Now, now boys and girls - of course Jesus forgives and washes away our sins. Erases our slate clean so we can be presented in robes of white, perfect and without blemish to the Lord.
But, to use the image of Jesus to erase your typos - BLASPHEMY!
Something just doesn't seem right when it comes to turning Jesus upside down and rubbing his head on a piece of paper until he appears bald.
The next toy on Bergermeister's list of immoral and unlawful would be this Jesus Action Figure Set. The Miracle Jesus complete with five loafs of bread, two fishes and a vat of wine.
This toy is hereby banned because there are no Jesus toy accessories sold separately. Jesus needs friends and who, just who do you think your imaginative child is going to have Jesus play with?
Little girls will throw poor Jesus into the throws of sin living with Barbie and cruisin' the town in her Pink Corvette. Little boys will include Jesus in their Star Wars Action Sets and turn Him into a Jedi Warrior.
No folks, it's not good to have a toy Jesus as your child's favorite Tubby Time toy. Sure, He walked on water but I'm sure it's not acceptable to have Him snorkeling in a Bubble pond full of rubber duckies.
These products are hereby deemed unlawful by the order of the Bergermeister!
(If you missed them visit last year's Bergermeister Meisterberger Episodes I, II and III)
On the 19th Day 'til Christmas I about fell over dead...
I haven't worked a 40 hour week in over 8 years, let alone 64 hours with two more days left to go. As I sit here on this lovely Saturday morning, I'm so far behind on stuff I don't know where to begin. There is a friend that I miss and need to call, shopping to do and heck - I haven't visited my mailbox in a week. There may be shut off notices in there.
It's time to start delegating chores here at home and put some rules up on the refrigerator.
1) Make your own beds and sorry dear husband, last one out of bed makes it. In addition there will be no more accidental bed wetting or drinking of fluids after 7pm for a certain little girl that lives here. The laundry is piled up over my head as it is.
2) He who is delegated to cook dinners shall follow the recipes and directions. This is NOT a time to decide to play Iron Chef and incorporate different spicy and hot seasonings. Especially when the meal is rendered inedible by your 5 year old daughter and starving wife. Grilled Cheese and Tomato soup should remain just that.
3) On the topic of laundry, please make sure your clothing gets into the laundry room, preferably the hamper. I should not have to go on a scavenger hunt to gather up scattered socks and undershorts.
4) Lastly, there is this big rubbermaid receptacle called a trash can or garbage can if you may. It's sole purpose is to have trash thrown into it. You know, stuff like candy wrappers, cigarette packs, snot filled kleenex, soda bottles and other various litter.
Once the litter makes the trash can if it seems full it is indeed full. Do not squash down creating a compacted bag weighing 50lbs that breaks during it's removal. Speaking of removal, when full simply snatch up the bag and walk out the front door. A few feet away you'll find a conveniently placed Curbie to toss it into.
The Curbie must be taken to the Curb come Tuesday night for the trashmen to pick up Wednesday morning. Please do not place Curbie behind my parked vehicle. Especially when I'm not quite caffeinated in the mornings and am trying to get out the door with my hands and mind full.
That's it for now, but hopefully after I come home this evening after work I can blog again and catch up.
On the 21st Day 'til Christmas, Going Postal Means To Me...
With bills now electronically paid and correspondence primarily by phone, text or email; a trip to the Post Office has become quite a rarity. Except for this joyous time of year when I need to land a new book of stamps for sending out Christmas cards. The ones left over from last year are now a few cents short.
Today was that day, in addition I had to pick up a package sent by Mom loaded with our Christmas presents. Thanks Mom, if you're reading this - I needed a forklift operator to get the thing into my car. Then again, this is just another of many packages our Mail Lady refuses to deliver.
She seems to be a deep south Cajun, a refugee from Post Katrina New Orleans and her dialect is next to impossible to understand. Particularly when she is up in arms over something. In particular, something like delivering anything to house Number 5.
She appears to be having issues with our kitty cat. When I confronted her about my packages as soon as I mentioned my house number she backs.... no she jumps away and her eyes pop out like an Uncle Ben's box of wild rice just flew out of the cabinet at her.
"Nuh. Maam. Nut un my life 'taint be no messin' with tat demon on de perch. No lawd. No. Nuh uh. Sorry. Ya'awls be outcha yer minds!"
What? Demon? Perch? Is this crazy woman talking about our darling, sweet and allbeit very overweight kitty cat Sass?
"Yes'm Maam. You ouch ya'awls minds. Som'un shoul call de law on you awls. Ain't legal keepin' wile-life up on yer perch. Demon. Possessed. Satan eyed jaquar done et chickens alive un still yer soul. No lawdy. No."
Well heck, while at the PO I tried to complain to her supervisor and manager. They have already heard about this demon cat from hell and fully support the Mail Lady's choice not to deliver.
Despite my best efforts I couldn't convince them that our cat is a Christian.
See, he is so domesticated and civilized he won't even fight back when a kitten smacks him in the dome. In fact he turns the other cheek!! I guess we're going to have to start using Fed Ex or UPS from now on. At least their drivers know enough to offer Sass a dog biscuit.
On the 22nd Day 'til Christmas, Groaning Means To Me...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "'And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
***********************************
By golly, what a long day. Mrs. IOH is in the hospital for the week and I took this opportunity to clean their house from top to bottom while I'm there caring for Mr. IOH. I'm pooped, but it looks good. I had to do it for I suspect Mrs. IOH will be needing a wheelchair from now on and I wanted stuff out of the way.
She's having a time of things over at the hospital and the nurses aren't taking too well to her spunky stubborness. They tied her up and she's been in a tizzy getting herself sick wanting out of there. I doubt we'll ever get her to go to a Doctor again after this.
Other than a possibility that a patient would cause harm to theirselves or others, is it still okay to tie old peeps up with a sheet? It just seems wrong, I could never do that. Granted Mrs. IOH deserves it sometimes, I still feel she is an adult - my elder, and well ... I just would feel like it was disrespectful is all. =O(
Man, I'm tired. 12-15 hour days without a day off in site for God knows how long. I'm going to need to hire a housekeeper. 'Til tomorrow.....
On the 23rd Day 'til Christmas, Blogging on Mondays Means To Me...
Memes! Yup, you heard right - I's got'sa meme this evening and am borrowing this festive Christmas Meme from Judy to get me through tonight.
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper but keep bags on hand for emergency re-gifting. 2. Real or artificial tree? Fake, but you really can't tell the difference. 3. When do you put up the tree? The first weekend of December. 4. When do you take the tree down? After New Years. 5. Do you like eggnog? Ohhhh yeah. Puts on the pounds though but gotsa have it. 6. Favorite gift received as a child? None. I grew up poor and my father was Bergermeister Meisterberger. 7. Do you have a nativity scene? Three. One I don't dare use lest it gets broken. Another is a Fisher Price Little People set that Squirt can play with and the other - a possible last minute re-gift if needed. 8. Hardest person to buy for? My husband. He is eclectic with electronics and I'd never ever be able to surprise him with what he likes, wants, needs. So he gets pants instead. 9. Easiest person to buy for? Squirt - a tube of wrapping paper will do just fine. 10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A fat ass electric jar opener thingy that would take up a big hunk of my counter space. 11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Snail mail. 12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A Christmas Carol. 13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I don't, I'm poor. 14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No, not yet. 15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My Southern Comfort Fruit Cake. 16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Both. Clear to twinkle and colors constant. 17. Favorite Christmas song? All of the songs on Gary Hoey's Album "HoHoHoey" 18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay Home. 19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. Oh yeah, and that funny one with the big red shiny nose. Adolf? 20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Santa Claus' is sitting on top of there now. I feel funny going up an Angel's skirt all of the time and stuffing her butt with prickly pine needles. 21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? Christmas Afternoon, I'm sleeping in. 22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? It's warm and I'm still wearing shorts and a tshirt. 23. Do you decorate your tree in any specific theme or color? Off White and Burgundy originally but through the years everything is tossed on there. One of the neighborhood girls just said Saturday, while helping us put up the tree, "Your tree has too many balls and won't fit anymore." 24. What do/did you leave for Santa? Milk and Cookies that Gon and I now eat when Squirt goes to bed. However, as what I leave out for Santa... I'm not telling. =O)
*****************************
On the home front, all is well - nice house and opportunity yesterday but still considering many options first. House hunting can be so much fun. NOT.
Then there is work, my elderlies now need 24hr Home Care and both have Alzheimers. Not necessarily good news other than my hours have tripled temporarily.
On the 24th Day 'til Christmas Home Sweet Home Means To Me...
It's not a secret that for the last five years our home has been a mobile home. During this time I was a bit disillusioned that we were safe from bad guys and burglars. Little did I know it only took a spam key and a can opener to break into the place.
I remember clearly when my new husband and I landed pregnant four months into our honeymoon. We needed to build a nest yet at the same time have an economical plan for he had just settled into his first year of college.
We opted to keep things humble and simple, not having a huge mortgage over our heads would mean less stress. If things went well, we could save our money - if not, we wouldn't need much money to keep all the bells and whistles going.
Buried under a mountain of Kudzu, weeds and waist high grass we found this charming little 2 bedroom/2 bath, 12' by 60', 1967 mobile home pictured in the above right. It was the same age as we were and seemingly laid to pasture, neglected and most importantly cheap.
Cool things about the older style mobile homes, they are made out of real materials and it doesn't take much to scrub down, paint up and make a comfortable living quarters. It didn't take long to turn our home into a cute, comfortable and humble little oasis of retreat.
This morning as I look around and enjoy all the hard work this past week on Christmas decorations, I humbly sit back as I realize this may be the last Christmas we'll spend here in this tiny little home.
This afternoon we're all going out to check out our potential new home! I highly suspect it will be buried under mountains of kudzu, brush and waist high grass also. Our first real bonafide house, with office and warehouse in the back.
We have yet to see it, but we've been dreaming about the potentials for the last two days and we're all bubbling over with excitement.
Yet at the same time, I sit here this morning wondering that by this time next year - who will be living here? Will this home serve up as sweet for them - as it has for us the past five years?
Not just wondering, but dreaming and hoping, a new young family with a gorgeous little girl - can make memories and enjoy this time of their lives. Here in this humble home sweet home.
Hey Y'all, it's December 1st and time to get festive and kick in a bit of Holiday Spirit here at Do You Have Issues? Hopefully if all goes well I can dedicate a post each day to peeps who have brightened up my spirits. From Bloggy Buds, friends, family and neighbors.
First on my list is to hit Walmart up. Yes folks, I need to make a Walmart run here shortly. It's an economical way of snatching up all the little doodads we're gonna need this holiday season. Stuff like Flour, butter, wrapping paper, bows, lights, scotch tape, tags and KY Jelly.
An interesting fact, did you know that my entire family works for Walmart? Mom pushes jewelry during the day, while Dad pushes the broom after midnight. The little sisters, they all manage one department or another. Even my Ex-husband can be found mounting tires or changing fluids in the Tire, Lube Express section.
There was a time when yours truly had worked at Wally World also. Not a bad experience overall, but I could never forget the pressure, headaches and worn out footwear while working there over the Christmas Season. It's insane! The work non-stop and the Christmas Bonus a bit on the shabby side.
For all this and more, here is a little video I made dedicated to all my family and friends who work at Walmart. A bit of a warning though, for those sensitive types out there who shudder when they hear the F-word. This video may not be for you.
But for all those Walmart and retail workers who find themselves shouting, whispering or at the very least thinking the F-word during this busy holiday season, this my friends goes out to you!
Let me know your sizes! Christmas is tight this year and my trailer park neighbor Miss Betty-Sue taught me how to make bedroom slippers out of ordinary maxi pads!
You'll need four maxis to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Then decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, jingle bells or some fresh cut mistletoe.
These slippers are soft and Hygienic. Non-slip sticky grip strips on the soles. Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh. No more bending over to mop up spills. Disposable, biodegradable and environmentally safe.
Let me know which of the three convenient sizes you prefer: Regular, Light day and Super for Maximum absorbency and cushion.
