So here I sit on a Sunday morning while the family is off to church.  Funny, I grew up with a father who NEVER went to church and remember how much it hurt me; yet here I am doing the exact same thing.  He never said why he never went other than his church is not in a building.  It's when he's out fishing or out in the woods hunting when he feels closer to God.

I don't buy that excuse now.  See, I'm still upset with God.  I do still have faith in Him, believe in Him and appreciate what He has done for me.   I'm just waiting for the Almighty to apologize.   I guess He doesn't do that.

The last time I sat in church was about two years ago.  I was VERY happy, excited for I had so much going for me and plans for my future.  I also was unexpectedly pregnant.  A shock at first but soon a pure joy as I felt every hormone rush, morning sickness and love in my heart for a new little buddy to come along.   Overjoyed maybe.

Yet just before my third month - something didn't feel right.  I prayed.  I prayed hard.  I sat in church and cried through the whole service.  I miscarried that very afternoon.

I haven't been back since.

Something does not sit well with me when a person could be elated to levels so high then slammed down to the pits of despair and left there.  No reason given.  No apology.

I could go with the family and be pretentious.  Sit there week after week begrudgingly, with a huge fake smile upon my face.  But for some reason I don't believe that God would like that very much.  These are behaviors and actions that He despises.  That I despise.

He doesn't apologize.  Or does He?   Will I ever get a rainbow?

Probably not and you know what?  It hurts.  I won't allow myself to ever be elated like that again.  I feel like I'm not worthy of it and that God felt that way too.   Which if is the case, then I feel really shitty.  It sucks.

So there it is.