I'm beginning this note on this rainy Saturday afternoon because I just know. I know what I'm up against and I'm afraid. It seems that often life brings us challenges at its own time, not ours. We're trained to believe that we can plan or make our own goals in life, choosing our paths, the time and manner which we will walk them. There are so many opportunities along our chosen paths that we shall come across. Along the way there are many hidden Easter eggs of surprises that encourage us to keep moving forward, blessing us with hope and strength to reach our goals.
There are also traps of quicksand and confusing forks to come across in our paths. Some manage to hold us down for a time, while others take us away from our sighted goal on a detour. I thank the Lord for placing Easter egg surprises even when we're on the wrong path or within a struggle. Many times it was in these places where I found a smile from a new compassionate friend or the welcome home wiggles of a poor lost puppy dumped off at our doorstep. These are the unexpected surprises in life that I've come to love and embrace.
At this time, my goals and path are still in tune but the mountain of Melanoma has been placed before me. It’s a giant mountain that blocks my view of my future and shadows me in sheer hopelessness. At this point in time there is no definite state of my health, but I just know. I know this ugly mole has been on me for 8 long years. I know it took my doctors almost 2 years to get me a referral to a dermatologist. I know the punch biopsy came back abnormal as I received a certified letter in the mail Thursday. I know my arm hurts and the only explanation for my underarm hurting is that the lymph nodes are affected. I know I've been suffering exhaustion for this past year. I know my left hand is crimped up as if it’s paralyzed for an hour after I awake each morning. No matter how I look at it, I just know that the mountain before me is insurmountable.
As I sit here waiting for Monday to talk to the dermatologist on what we'll do next I'm tortured. I told my husband last night that it felt like I was in grade school and challenged to an after school fight. Only I don't want to fight after school, I want to kick ass right now! The mountain before me may be insurmountable but this chick is determined to plow right through it and not waste any time getting to the joy that is before me on the other side.
What many of my friends and loved ones may not know is that I have faced death twice already. Someday, maybe in a later entry I will write about these times. This time is quite different than those and I'm determined to go ahead. I’m determined to live. The age old question pops up in my mind right now of "What would you do if told you only had a year to live?"
At age 43 I'm faced with making my third bucket list. If I had any advice to leave behind it would be that everyone live as if they had a bucket list. Make as many yearly bucket lists that you can. Screw New Year's Resolutions, you don't keep or stick to them damn things anyway. Instead, with each new day given when you wake up on the good side of the dirt; just breathe.
Start with that and realize you're alive! Be alive and don't miss a thing!
