I decided this year to make resolutions like, "I will eat and gain weight." and "I will smoke a pack of cigarettes a day." and "I will not keep a schedule and continue to run on chaos."
See this way, if my experience proves to be correct - I'll break these resolutions like I have all these previous years. Hopefully by this time next year I'll be skinny, smoke free and have a little order in my daily routine.
In replace of a New Year's Resolution post, I will gaze into my crystal ball and in true Nostradamus fashion give my top five predictions for the coming year of 2007.
1. Between the bridge of gold and the city of angels, shall be found a middle-aged Hollywood celebrity who forgot to put her underpants on.
2. The whore of Paris will break her vow of abstinence in full view of many an internet browser.
3. Firefox Overlords will find vermin in their trenches of code. Flocking by the thousands to the Gates for safety.
4. The little man north of Seoul will be deafened by a blackmarketed faulty Apple iPod while listening to a Howard Stern podcast.
5. In the arena of the Democratic National Convention, CNN films Bill O'Reilly loosing his cool. Cursing Keith Olbermann of MSNBC after he pegs Bill'O right between the eyes with a wayward spitball.
While straightening up my living room this afternoon I came across a busted up Santa figurine on top of our Entertainment Center. I found it very odd that a ceramic figurine would just crumble all on its own. In the very safe and same spot that I placed it while decorating for Christmas a few weeks ago.
It could have, if given the physics and science of temperature changes. Maybe it had gotten wet somehow and the bottom just gave away. Perhaps this was a dirty deed done by the Underpants and Missing Sock Gnomes that live in my laundry room. There is also the chance that we jammed out a little too loudly to music last weekend and the vibrations of the Sub-woofer directly beneath it had a part in Santa's demise.
Now it couldnt' have been Katie, for she loves to bring things that accidentally fall and break to me for repair. She knows that Mommy's talents are equal to all the Kings Horses and all the Kings Men and with Glue of some sort - I can piece things together again. (Well... most things.) She also doesn't have a reason to lie or to hide an accidental "Oops!" I'm not one to blow my top over such trivial matters. Sure, I may be a little disappointed and sigh a grieved "Awwww. What happened?" But that is the extent of my emotions.
The Husband, however has been conditioned quite a bit differently. So much so, that I know he did do it. Not on purpose mind you, but I can just see how the entire situation went down. He accidentally knocks it over. It falls and breaks. Then he starts worrying over what to do about it. Asking himself, "What if this is sentimental to Margie and she'll start crying like crazy?" and "She could get angry and make me sleep on the sofa!"
So in his anxiety, he places the smashed Santa back on the Entertainment center in hopes I won't notice right away. Not even thinking that when I did notice that I'll be standing their bewildered, confused and left scratching my head in wonder. That the entire impossibility of Santa crumbling all on it's own would taunt my very intelligence for the whole afternoon.
A few weeks ago I had asked my good 'ole Bloggy Buddy Senor Cheeseburger from Super Sexy Pictures to draw me up a few rotten tomatoes. See, Butchieboy went and posted this uncool video on his blog of some Meatloaf wannabe that was so long and painful to watch - I needed some Ammo to toss at it.
Senor Cheeseburger is the all time Master at using MS Paint software but he seems to have went missing since November 10, 2006. Many rumors are abound on what may have happened to him. Some suggest he's been abducted again by aliens or out stalking Lindsey Lohan. Others feel that maybe the Mrs. Cheeseburger found out about his Super Sexy Pictures and took his computer away.
Either way, I've been forced to draw my own Slapped Rotten Tomatoes. They came out so pretty that I don't want to throw them at Butchieboy's blog anymore. Instead I'm going to save these overripe babies for Senor Cheeseburger when he returns.
Welcome back to the Blogosphere to all the bloggers who managed to shut off their computers and spend the holiday with family and friends. I managed to stay off my computer until after Katie went to bed at 9pm. I suffered all sorts of withdrawal symptoms but managed to survive by keeping busy cooking our Christmas dinner and playing with Katie's new toys.
This year by far was the most exciting for us as parents of a four year old. Katie suffered the Christmas Eve anxiety over a big fat man in a red suit busting into our house while we were sleeping. Strange enough she loves "HoHo" but only if he remains a harmless stuffed toy or cartoon character. The moment HoHo came alive at the mall, she refused to come anywhere near him. The rumors of the real live HoHo coming in the middle of the night were a bit scary for her by bedtime.
Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" on Saturday afternoon didn't help much either. As if her uncertainties over Santa Claus weren't bad enough, now she had fears over a green Bogeyman Grinch threatening to take Christmas away. Nevertheless, come Christmas morning despite our anxieties, "Christmas came. Somehow or other it came just the same."
Katie ran into our bedroom while we pretended to be asleep, gently tapping me on the back and while trying like the dickens to hold in explosive shrieks of joy she whispered, "Momma, it's Christmas. It's here now and there is presents all over the place!"
She made out very good this year as Santa and his elves fashioned together a gorgeous wooden easel. We provided many gifts of art supplies to go with it. Her other gifts from family and friends ranged from Dollies to reading books. The Easel has proved thus far to be her best gift of the year. For as her very first masterpiece drawn upon it was in tribute and thanks to the Big Old Fat Guy she loving knows as "HoHo."
Create your Christmas Wishlist using the letters in "Merry Christmas."
M. Mom to win her battle against breast cancer.
E. Eeyore figurines and desktop decorations to compliment my blog and my Dr. John prizes.
R. Razor Blades in my stocking! Seriously, refill cartridges can be quite expensive.
R. Rhubarb Pie. I haven't had rhubarb since my Grandmother grew it in her garden.
Y. Yellow Snowmen. You never can have quite enough of these.
C. Child. The biological clock is ticking and we'd like to have just one more little 'un.
H. Hair Products. Well, you know a girls and their hair. I have my own mop to primp in all of it's flatness and frizz. Plus I have Katie's mop with all of those curls and poof.
R. Raggedy Ann Doll. I did have one until my little sister Kathy went berserk with a green magic marker and put "X's" over everything that I owned. I came home from school and found that my Raggedy Ann turned into Charles Manson. There was a big huge green X right on the middle of her forehead.
I. Ice Cube Maker repaired. It's been over a year since our freezer's ice cube maker bit the dust. It may seem like a small task, but filling up ice cube trays every day that take up the much coveted space in the freezer can start to become quite a bother. I really miss those days when I would open my freezer and have ice cubes fall out on me because the bin was overflowing. Now I reach in and sometimes find NO ice because somebody else was too lazy to empty and refill the ice cube trays.
S. Snow. It is 77 Degrees outside right now as I write this wearing shorts and a tee-shirt and I'm used to cold weather at Christmas. Sure, peeps in Australia and South Africa are used to Beach Bum Santa's sunbathing and sipping cold drinks. I'm not. No, I want the cozy fireplace, warm slippers and hot cocoa with my cookies.
T. Towels. Not those little towels but big bath sheet towels that are 2 inches thick!
M. Money to catch up on our bills.
A. Art Supplies. I've been getting back in touch with my crafty side lately.
S. Sheepskin Suede Slippers. Last but not the least, I've been wanting these for a very long time.
After receiving an email about "The Man Code" I sit here wondering what a "Woman Code" would look like. I can't think of nearly as many Girl-to-Girl rules and regulations.
Wonder if that is good, suggesting us Gals are confident and laid back? Or maybe it is a bad thing suggesting that Gals are cruel and cold-hearted drama Queens? Stopping at no costs to miss out bringing on Drama even at the cost of our best friends tears and emotions.
Here is "The Man Code Revisited" (Altered to include the Code of Women.)
THE MAN CODE vs. THE WOMAN CODE
Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
Woman Code: Watch any movie that you please. If you don't like it then make use of this time to manicure your nails or get back into that great novel you've been reading.
Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
Woman Code: Get as many heads under the umbrella as you can. Keep in mind all single and eligible ladies have first dibs to keep their doo dry. Just in case they'll run into Mr. Right later that day.
When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
Woman Code: Very simular except once the person asking is out of sight, quickly phone your circle of friends and give them the heads up that a drama situation may be afoot and start the gossip ball rolling.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
Woman Code: Oh no, do not under any circumstances become a lying bitch.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
Woman Code: Friend's brothers are ALWAYS fair game. Just think, you could end up sisters if you play your cards right.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
Woman Code: Wait at least 30 minutes for a girlfriend and then call to see what is holding her up. For a guy, never stand there waiting for him to show up, it shows that you are desparate.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
Woman Code: Never ever forget a friends birthday! Chances are her husband and/or boyfriend won't remember and she will need a shoulder to cry on about it.
Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
Woman Code: Never! Ex's are off limits all across the board.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.
Woman Code: If a man's zipper is down, you must point it out to everyone else standing in the room so everyone can laugh at him.
A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
Woman Code: If your cat doesn't like your new boyfriend, by all means listen to your cat!
BARCELONA, Spain - The Virgin Mary. The three kings. A few wayward sheep. These are the figures one expects to find in a traditional Christmas nativity scene. Not a smartly dressed peasant squatting behind a rock with his rear-end exposed.
Yet statuettes of "El Caganer," or the great defecator in the Catalan language, can be found in nativity scenes, and increasingly on the mantelpieces of collectors, throughout Spain's northeastern Catalonia region, where for centuries symbols of defecation have played an important role in Christmas festivities.
During the holiday season, pastry shops around Catalonia sell sweets shaped like feces, and on Christmas Eve Catalan children beat a hollow log, called the tio, packed with holiday gifts, singing a song that urges it to defecate presents out the other end.
These traditions, in the case of the caganer dating back as far as the 17th century, come from an agricultural society where defecation was associated with fertility and health.
While the traditional caganer is a red-capped peasant, more modern renditions have gained popularity in recent years.
More than nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had premarital sex, according to a new study. "This is reality-check research," said the study's author, Lawrence Finer. "Premarital sex is normal behavior for the vast majority of Americans, and has been for decades."
Leave it to a Institute Study to bust American's out of their closets and spill our beans. Yes, I am one of the nine out of ten Americans that had a little hanky-panky before marriage. In fact, I believe the one out of every ten Americans are split between the extremely religious and those who nobody would want to have sex with anyway.
My Mom was a virgin bride and deeply feared sex before marriage. Religious issues played a part, but she also was adamant about the fear of getting pregnant and that having sex would ruin her reputation. This fear rang true even back in the '80 when I was a teen. The girls rumored to put out were snickered over and constantly put down. Guys would tell other guys and girls in their circles, "She's so easy she spreads like creamy peanut butter!" or they will tell jokes about a girl selling snack chips by shouting, "Frito Lay!" (Free to Lay)
This mentality in part caused me to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life. That being, getting married at age 18. Hey, I was in love and my sex drive went into overdrive in a few heavy make-out sessions with my older boyfriend. I wanted to have sex. However, I didn't want to be referred to as a margarine spread or Potato Chip saleswoman.
So I got engaged and my parents flipped out. They shouted "You're too young" and "You don't know what love is" and all sorts of crazy things. At the same time my Mother's voice in my head was shouting, "Don't have sex before marriage." How terribly frustrating for an 18 year old kid. We ended up eloping and long story short - ruined 12 years of BOTH of our lives.
About a year after our Divorce I began dating again. Abstinence was not only NOT popular, it was torture. After enjoying a 12 year shopping spree in a candystore my "Mother's voice" was saying I couldn't go in there anymore. I was older and wiser and employed protection against pregnancy and disease. I was also very frugal over who would get the goods or rather as Elaine Bennis would proclaim, "Is he Sponge-worthy?"
In addition I wanted to know what I was buying before I bought it. Dr. Ruth was only stroking men and their egos when she declared that size doesn't matter. It does. There is a huge difference between the motion of the ocean and a splash in a Mr. Turtle Kiddie Swimming Pool.
Sex education that teaches and encourages responsible and moral sexual behaviors can't be wrong. Sex is a beautiful thing shared between two people who are in love. It isn't immoral nor indecent. I'm highly suspicious that the Abstinence Only Supporters like to snorkel in their Walmart Easy Set Backyard Pools vs. burning in hell.
This whole "You MUST get married" and the "You CAN'T get married" thing is ever becoming harder to swallow.
I went over to YouTube to see if I can find a clip of the security video of the Inflatable Snowman Slayers to see if I recognized any of them.
See I know peeps who do such nutty things like Bubba our neighbor here at Riverview Mobile Estates who had filled the Westin's Inflatable Christmas Wonderland full with buckshot earlier this month. We highly suspect he was the killer of many Burger King Inflatable Spongebob Promos that sat on the rooftops of Burger Kings throughout Savannah a little over a year ago as well.
Alas, no Inflatable Snowman Slaying Videos to be found but I did find a couple of strange characters who call themselves the Snowman Hunters.
Click here to visit the Snowman Hunters and view their other terrible episodes if you dare.
I found this personal ad listed on our local Savannah Craigslist this evening while looking for a Scottish Terrier Puppy. Think he'll find a Maiden?
HELLO THAR YOUNG MAIDENS!
Do you pine for a life of adventure?
Do you wish your life was a sensual romantic novella where barrel-chested swashbucklers battle each other for the ultimate prize, and that prize was you? Your sumptuous body, covered in a glistening sheen of sweat, tied and bound and helpless before the violating fingers of horny pirates everywhere? Your loins, quivering with anticipation at the slightest touch, embarrassingly spread for their greedy hungry eyes? You, but an innocent tender morsel to be defiled by these sick, twisted brutes?
Well, too fucking bad.
OH SNAP, that's right, I said it. Your life's no erotic fairy tale; both you and I know it, lady.
That's why I've come to offer you the most exciting proposal you've gotten since anonymous sex behind a dumpster at the nearest 7/11:
Making me a sandwich.
No, you can't just zip by Arby's and pick up one of their mouth-watering Market Fresh Sandwiches, although god knows its hard NOT to eat them. I mean, CHRIST, pepperjack bacon, its like the hypnotic call of a siren, but that's besides the point, stay with me darling.
I'm looking for a short/long term relationship in which a comely young woman (clothed or otherwise) makes me a delicious sandwich. If you can convince me to have dirty (sex/cuddling/dish-washing) afterwards, good on you; whatever, I just want the sandwich, so good luck with anything beyond that.
Preferably, you should be making me something with turkey or ham, definitely bacon, I'm not too keen on that abomination they call a BLT, a sandwich without meat is *sacrilegious*.
The more exotic the sammich, the better. If it's good enough, I dunno, I'll give you a lollipop or something.
What do YOU get out of this incredibly exciting and dynamic relationship with me?
You get the comfort knowing that you have quelled my insatiable (and completely nonsexual appetite) for at least 30 minutes to an hour. At last, your life has purpose: you are the bringer of sandwiches, glory be unto you!
What's more romantic and loving than that?
If you've got some deviant kink involving sandwiches or subservience, then I guess that's a major bonus for you, right?
Who am I to offer you such a dangerous yet exciting proposition?
Well, let me introduce myself.
I'm a scrawny, underweight geek in his mid twenties who may or may not have a delicious creamy center that is not unlike the bubbling hot bowels of a frothy mocha latte. Sure, my untouched virgin body may, in ways inexplicable, drive you into an uncontrollable lust; a carnal urge to feast upon my tender bronzed flesh as if your moist lips could suckle the cure for cancer from by body if you tried hard enough, but GODDAMN IT LADY, get a grip, we're not talking about any of that, FOCUS, FOCUS.
Interested persons should send me a picture of their most incredible, mouth-watering sandwiches. I guess you can be in there too, but don't forget out the sandwich.
You must be: hot, and good at making sandwiches, this is paramount, as well as have everything required to assemble these incredible modern miracles of bread and meat.
You must not be: The Burger Queen. Frankly, The Burger King scares the bejesus out of me; he's not the sort of fellow I would appreciate staring at us through the window as you make my sandwich.
We haven't put much emphasis on the whole Santa Claus thing. Why let some mythical figure take all the credit for all those cool gifts our daughter will be getting under the tree this year? No, instead we're working with a theory I had heard many years ago before our daughter was even thought of.
Santa and his elves only make toys out of wood. He also comes by later and has contracts with the city to take up all of those Christmas trees we toss to the curb. Recycling them into fine wooden toy products that he'll give away next year. One year it was a set of wooden ABC blocks. Another year a few of those wooden pegged puzzles. Last year a wooden abacus and this year a tall wooden easel and chalkboard.
Squirt has been listening to Christmas songs and watching Holiday Specials on TV. Drawing her own conclusions but not quite yet asking questions. We asked her a question earlier this afternoon. "What is going to happen on Christmas Eve?"
She replied, "Santa will come up on the housetop. Then click, click, click...the reindeer land on top. He then lifts the lid, sneaks inside and puts presents under our tree!"
When you live in a trailer park and have no fireplace with chimney, Santa has got to get in somehow I suppose. According to our 4 year old daughter Santa has a master Spam key to "lift the lids" on every mobile home in Savannah.
I realized this after visiting some of my Bloggy Buds this morning that I missed dining in Friday's Feast yesterday. One of the questions was, "Did you ever lose something really important to you?" Judy from World of Dreams told us about when she lost a favorite doll she was given for her 3rd birthday. It brought back a host of memories and a funny and weird revelation and feeling of Deja Vu'.
I've mentioned here before that my father was Bergermeister Meisterberger revisited. However I did have a favorite doll that turned up lost once too. I was a senior in High School and it was back in the '80's when the Cabbage Patch Kids were all the rage and peeps stood in line for hours just to buy one outside of department stores everywhere that Christmas season. eBay didn't exist back then and it was a normal site to see a newspaper ad or some crazy guy standing up in the mall taking bids on the coveted Cabbage Patch he was waving about. Some sold for $1,000 or more.
I had this wonderful boyfriend named Jack Horner. (Quit it with the "in the corner" jokes already!) Jack was a cool and hubba hubba kind of guy. He loved airplanes and even had on in his backyard. Jack was awesome plus he had a part time job in a department store. That Christmas due to his inside connections, I was given the cutest little blond haired Cabbage Patch Doll named Katie of all names.
Without my knowledge or permission, Mom would let my little 4 year old sister Diane play with my doll while I was away in school. I caught her one day when I walked home from the bus stop and saw my doll outside sitting on top of the spare tire on the back of my Mom's Ford Bronco. Along with some other dollies and toys on the rear bumper. Diane was taking a nap at the time but I'm sure threw a teenaged hissy fit at my Mom for allowing Diane to play with my doll.
Not many days after, I got off the bus and noticed one of Diane's other dollies smashed in the middle of the road. As I walked home, every few yards or so there was a teacup or a dolly dress and a few other items that I recognized. When I got home, the Bronco was gone and my Cabbage Patch Doll was missing from the pillow on my bed. I hoped and prayed that when Mom came home there will be Diane holding my Doll. But that wasn't the case.
Last week I received a present in the mail from Diane for my 4 year old daughter Katie. I didn't realize until now how cool this is. It is a cabbage patch doll that looks almost just like the one I once had. I don't think my little sister Diane knows the significance and commonalities these situations share. Nor does she remember that dreary day in 1985 when our dollies went for a their fatal joyride. I think I'll call her and share this story after Katie thanks her for the present.
Let me know your sizes! Christmas is tight this year and my trailer park neighbor Miss Betty-Sue taught me how to make bedroom slippers out of ordinary maxi pads!
You'll need four maxis to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Then decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, jingle bells or some fresh cut mistletoe.
These slippers are soft and Hygienic. Non-slip sticky grip strips on the soles. Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh. No more bending over to mop up spills. Disposable, biodegradable and environmentally safe.
Let me know which of the three convenient sizes you prefer: Regular, Light day and Super for Maximum absorbency and cushion.
1. Google for Christmas (or the December holiday of your choice) plus your year of birth. 2. Post the most charming picture you can find. 3. Get misty with nostalgia over hot cocoa and peppermint cookies.
40 years ago W.C. Westmoreland, the Commanding General of the U.S. Army sent this message and Christmas Card to the troops for the holidays.
Throughout the Christian world, the Christmas season is a time of joy and spiritual inspiration Despite separation from our families and the hardships imposed by war, those of us in Vietnam will still share the traditional Christmas Spirit this year. We can enjoy the spiritual satisfaction that comes from giving. As fighting representatives of the Free World, our gift is the help we give the Vietnamese People to secure their independence, their individual safety and their future freedom. Each of you gives a part of this gift and deserves the satisfaction of having increased the happiness of others - the true Christmas spirit.
My best wishes to each of you and your families for the Christmas season. May you enjoy good fortune during the coming year.
W.C. Westmoreland General, U.S. Army Commanding
Although the time, places and people have changed, the situation today seems the same. May I wish a very Merry Christmas to our soldiers and their families. AND Peace on Earth and Good Will toward men for all the world.
All nine Christmas trees have been removed from the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport instead of adding a giant Jewish menorah to the holiday display as a rabbi had requested. Maintenance workers boxed up the trees during the graveyard shift early Saturday, when airport bosses believed few people would notice. "We decided to take the trees down because we didn't want to be exclusive," said airport spokeswoman Terri-Ann Betancourt. "We're trying to be thoughtful and respectful, and will review policies after the first of the year."
For crying out loud it looks like the war against Christmas is still raging. If you ask me Christmas has long stopped being a religious holiday for many. Atheists put up Christmas trees and many people outside of the Christian religion do so to take part in the culture of modern day Christmas. The culture of giving, Santa Claus, Frosty the Snowman, Trees, presents and all the commercialism that is set around this holiday.
Truth have it, according to scholars Jesus was born back in September around the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah. This is when the Peeps all came into town for religious festivities and to take part in a Government Census. Try booking a hotel room now in New York City for New Years Eve. You'll see how easy it is to find all the Inns full with no Vacancy on any given New Year. In this case the Jewish New Year, in September and why Joseph and Mary had to take up residence in lesser quarters - you know, such as a Manger with barn animals. Joseph being a new husband and young man probably forgot to make reservations. Husbands are known to do that forgetting thing quite often.
That being the case let the Christians take back their holiday and celebrated it in September but leave the Holiday Season be. Go ahead and put up Holiday Unity Trees everywhere and let different religions bring in different ornaments to hang all over it. Give them size requirements such as no ornament bigger than 5x5 inches. Open up donations for Pink, Red, Yellow, Blue ribbons for different charities. Yellow Snowmen ornaments for the Pet Societies in the area. Put it up and let it work for ALL American's who hold any belief and wish to help a cause.
Jesus would like it that way, don't 'cha think?
(UPDATE: The trees are back up! Looks like the Maintenance Crew racked up some nice Overtime hours this week.)
Melli from Insanity Prevails asked: "I remember reading in another post about your missing baby tradition... HOW did that get started? WHY does this happen? I'm having a REALLY hard time figuring out the symbolism in this one...."
For Katie's first Christmas my Mother bought her the Fisher Price Little People Nativity Set as pictured above. She loves it today just as much as she did then and was so exited when she spotted it, remembered it and jumped for joy when I brought it out with our other Christmas Decorations this year.
That first Christmas she played with the Manger Scene all of the time and we somehow managed to loose the Baby Jesus. I looked everywhere for him, in places high and in places low, and those places where only a toddler can go.
Still no Baby Jesus, until Christmas morning when I just so happened to be sitting on the living room floor opening gifts. It was only at this Childlike level when I was able to find Baby Jesus who was either knocked or pushed over and under the corner of our entertainment center.
Katie, of course was busy unwrapping presents and having such a ball doing so that she didn't notice when I took a bit of ripped off wrapping paper and a bow and wrapped up Baby Jesus and sat him under the tree. Of all of the expensive and well thought out presents Katie received that morning. None brought her as much joy as when she unwrapped the missing Baby Jesus. She was so happy and quickly went over to the Little People Nativity Scene and placed Him in the manger.
It's a memory I want to cherish and never forget so I started the tradition. Jesus is the reason for the season first and foremost. Plus, it's His birthday and He really shouldn't be hanging around in the manger scene before His scheduled debut. As for the symbolism and metaphoric view, Jesus is the gift of Grace that through faith we are saved. The best gift of all when you are able to find Him and receive Him.
So now our new tradition is to have Jesus go mysteriously missing before Christmas. Nobody knows who does it, sometimes not even me. Whoever does do it, must take great care to wrap Him creatively - sometimes in the biggest box you can find or like last year when I slipped Him into a gifted coffee mug I bought for Gon. Who ever receives Baby Jesus as a gift is the one who sits down beside us and tells us the Christmas Morning Story and leads us in thankful prayer. It's a tradition I hope to keep going so it can pass down through the years. For if ever I were to have a Christmas Wish it would be that all of my children, grandchildren and family would come to know and receive Jesus as their Lord and Savior so they can live free and in peace.
Gon and I love to sing together. We've been given drinks on the house at many a Karaoke Bar after doing our renditions of Ike and Tina Turner's "Proud Mary" or Rosemary Cloony's "This Old House." Gon and his deep Louie Armstrong voice and me and soft toned melodic soprano can really bring down the house. Including the Lord's house.
One Sunday morning not so long ago, we were leading the Praise service at our church. I can't remember the song that we were singing at the time but I do remember the God-awful smell that is forever etched in my nostrils. When I first sniffed it out I looked over to the Pastor who was sitting on the side stage upon his bench. The look on his face told me that he smelt it too. Then I looked over at my husband Gon and the look on his face revealed that not only did he smell it, he DEALT it.
There we were, two grown ups suffering from a hysterical giggle fit right there on the stage in front of a whole congregation of people. We couldn't finish our set of praise songs - we were doomed. Thankfully the Pastor stood up and saved the day for us. However, I wonder if we would have had the maturity and cooth to stand up and save the day if it were him?
1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Heck, I warm up the Egg Nog and pour it over Hot Chocolate Mix with Mini Marshmallows.
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? Santa only brings one gift made out of wood, wraps it and tops it with a big red bow.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? This year I went with colors although I do prefer white.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? Oh yes, all over the house. In the kitchen, above our beds and even on the shower stall ceiling.
5. When do you put up your decorations? After Thanksgiving, little by little so it is all done by mid-December.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? A Candied Ham with pineapples and cherries. The leftover ham goes in a big pot later for some New Years Day Hopping John.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child. Staying up late on Christmas Eve to play Santa Claus with my Mom & Dad and seeing the surprise and joy on both of my sister's faces Christmas morning.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I refused to believe that my Mom & Dad would lie to me so even though I was told by classmates, I would fight with them saying Santa was real. I was about 10 when Mom finally told me the truth and not only was I devastated, I was really, really embarrassed.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? No, Christmas Morning.
10. What kind of decorations are on your Christmas Tree? All kinds. This is our 5th Christmas tree together and 4th for Katie and we had to start all over collecting decorations year to year. We made some just after Thanksgiving.
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? I love it now that I don't have to deal with it. I dreaded it most days when I lived in NJ except when it snowed on a weekend or my day off.
12. Can you ice skate? Yes indeed!
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Nah, but I can remember a few not-so-favorites.
14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Watching Katie experience them and her excitement over the holidays.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Put it this way, there isn't a dessert that I don't like. From Pumpkin Pie, to Christmas Cookies, Fruitcake and candy canes. Bring it all on!
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? It's a new tradition just a few years old, but a week before Christmas the baby Jesus in the nativity scene goes missing. Who took Him and His whereabouts are not know until Christmas morning when someone unwraps a present and receives Him.
17. What tops your tree? Right now a Nordic HoHo but I really really want a Christmas Angel. (Maybe when they go on clearance after the holidays I could snag one for next year.)
18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Giving with thought otherwise I don't give at all. Giving just for the sake of giving or coming up with something is abusing the Visa card. I'd rather give something needed or wanted throughout the year to those I care about. Not just to put a present under their tree.
19. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yummy? My teeth no longer like candy canes but I like Candy Cane pieces.
Has your child been misbehaving this past year? Don't bother with messy, chalky lumps of coal to place in their stockings go right for the good stuff. One or two lumps of this Super High Radiation Level Uranium Ore should do the trick. Perhaps you would like to make candy canes that glow in the dark? If so a pin sized bit of the Radioactive Isotope Polonium 210 will give you that desired soft glowing effect.
Oh yes folks, Bergermeister Meisterberger is outraged again after finding out about the new educational toys available this season. Made specifically for your little mad scientists, United Nuclear Scientific Equipment & Supplies has everything under the sun to keep your child busy in the basement boiling trouble for hours. It aims to put the fun back into science by selling an array of scientific materials and equipment, as well as things like science-themed T-shirts and coffee mugs.
If your child desires to split atoms there is a fascinating learning tool that he'll never put down in the Nuclear Spinthariscope. Maybe little Sally wants to ditch those pink and white tassels on her Barbie bicycle and replace them with twin Jet Engines? Why should Little Johnny play make believe Pirates when he can build his own Tesla Coil and zap back in time to meet Blackbeard in person? Do your children love to sneak away to play Doctor? Why not buy them the components needed to build their very own X-ray machine so they can see inside your pet cat until all of it's fur falls out?
Due to the grave possibility that toys such as these could blow peaceful Sombertown clear off the map, the Bergermesiter has declared that any product from United Nuclear is hereby declared illegal, immoral, unlawful AND anyone found with a radioactive isotope in his possession, Will be placed under arrest and thrown in the dungeon!
For those of you who may not know or figured it out already, I live in a (gasp!) Trailer Park. It was supposed to be a temporary situation until Gon finished college but I've have become accustomed and quite fond of my little neighborhood nestled between two gargantuan antebellum Southern Mansions with a sunset-on-the-river-view.
The diversity of the peeps living here is incredible. We have the typical trailer park stereotypical citizens, a few Senior citizens, the Meth Lab Trailer and the whole works. I love the fact that I can do just about anything to my house and yard and not a soul complains about it. Well, there is the exception of our billionaire neighbors on either side who've erected a 12' foot high stockade fence in hopes to hide us from their beautiful river-side-views.
Not so long ago if I was told that I had to live here, you would have had to drag me kicking and screaming. I had a bigoted misunderstanding about such places. A fear of high crime rate, living next door to immigrants, ex-cons and many low-income individuals. I couldn't have been any more wrong! Although the nastiest cat fight can ensue between two "Desperate TrailerPark Housewifes" and those nights when Bubba and BillyBob get drunk and go out in the street to have a shootout now and again. Everyone who lives here has each other's back. Not to mention everyone here is also armed to the hilt. The addition of the billionaires stockade fences have made this the perfect tucked away fortress. In coastal Georgia it comes complete with moat and alligators! Man, I'm loving it.
Christmas time has got to be the most interesting time here in this humble little trailer park. The creativity and imagination of our lo-income neighbors never ceases to surprise me. In fact they challenge me! Take for instance my beautiful brick colored garden edging up there in the photo up top. Any guess to what it is made out of? Painted 2-liter soda bottles planted upside down. Trust me, it's classy compared to my neighbor's display of old bathroom fixtures filled with potting soil and bursting with colorful pansies.
Then there is the Westin's who hit up the Walmart each year for the latest and greatest Christmas lawn decorations. It seems this year the big craze is all of these inflated ornaments that stand 20 foot tall. I'd grant you, last week it looked really nice when I looked out of my side window and spyed all those huge Macy Thanksgiving Parade Sized inflatables hiding their nasty looking trailer from my view. Yesterday afternoon, however, every one of them is laying deflated, popped and flat. Seems Bubba was hallucinating on drugs Wednesday evening and filled each balloon with buckshot.
I, not being one with any desire to freak out Bubba anymore went on a quest through every store in Savannah to find me a typical Trailer park Ho-Ho. You know, one of those plastic cheap shits that stand about 4' foot tall and light up with a simple light bulb. I almost gave up hope when I looked up in prayer asking God to please help me find one. When there he was, in all of his 4' foot wonder standing jolly and tall on the very top shelf in the Kmart Lawn & Garden Center. The hour and a half wait for a stockboy to come get him down for me was worth the while. For now my Town & Country Trailer Home has finally been Christened for the Christmas season. By a big fat glowing Trailer Park Ho-Ho!
As you can see Katie-bug is just as thrilled as I am over the find! As long as I don't show her this video or she'll demand we bring Santa inside for safe keeping.
(Figures the punks are from NJ! I think I know these guys.)