"From the depths of the crypt of St Giles Came a scream that echoed for miles. Said the Vicar, "Good Gracious, Has father Ignacius Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
This figures. Just as I thought I'm down to the bottom of my health problems and being sick over the past two weeks - this terrifying nightmare comes out of nowhere.
Well okay, not necessarily of of nowhere but from down there - where things are not supposed to come out of nor see the light of day. Things such as Hemorrhoids, which everyone has and most everyone will have a problem with during sometime in their lives. All due to gravity and the price we pay for sitting and standing upright, along with having opposable thumbs I suppose.
So why am I telling my blog readers a little more than y'all care to know? Believe me I thought of not saying anything, but my obvious absence may need a bit of explanation. Sure, I can lie and tell y'all I'm on vacation or just toss a carefree; "I've been too busy" post. But instead I sided with honesty, not to mention having this affliction creates issues in of itself, and what a better place to post just that.
This terrible, obtrusive and downright obscene affliction can surely muff up your day. Or week in my case. Many times I've prayed on why couldn't I have a boil? A volcano sized Vesuvius Zit on the end of my nose? Even a short term stint of Bell's Palsy would had been better. But noooooo, this week's aliment got me smack dab on the starfish of my ass. I can barely sit, barely stand and walk like an old lady who has rickets.
At least that is how I hobbled into our local CVS Saturday to splurge $50 on every OTC hemorrhoid medication there was. All to no avail, these buddies weren't going to go away so quickly. So according to package directions I contacted my Doctor after seven days with no improvement. That was yesterday and quite frankly one of the worse days of my life.
You know it's bad when your doctor lets out a huge gasp upon examination. Granted, I did warn her but she didn't seem to believe me. She was only concerned about my elevated Blood Pressure but after seeing my rear end, she justified my high blood pressure from how painful it looked. I guess she thought I was joking when I said I felt like there was a tennis ball shoved up my backside.
She sent me home with a referral and a prescription for steroids and back to the CVS I roamed to spend another $50. It's been a day and there isn't any real improvement except I am able to sit for the few minutes it takes to write a blog post. Allbeit, not so comfortably.
But life must go on around me and I must also. Hoping to goodness that nobody I run into will recognize my tell tale hobble, scoot technique and grimace.
Earlier this week this poor little 64 year old lady from North Carolina decided to go out one morning to her local grocery store to buy herself some cheese. God bless her heart, she never had a chance to step out of her car before a sheriff tossed a summons to report for jury duty through her car window. She had one hour to report to the courthouse or else be held in contempt.
I sure hope this annoying practice to land jurors doesn't spread on south to Georgia. I can't imagine what I would do if put in this situation, except to say I would feel incredibly violated.
At least once a year I receive a jury duty summons, one year it happened twice. Like many US citizens I tend to groan and mumble when they arrive. The duty is burdensome and for me, it places a financial debt upon me due to a weeks worth of missed employment with the added burden of paying for childcare expenses, gas and time. But I still report for duty.
I believe Jury Duty is every American's duty along with Voting. It is a way to protect and ensure that we as a people are governed by people. God forbid if I ever am on trial, I would surely exercise my constitutional right to have a jury of my peers.
But to be served with one hours notice would have me bursting at the seams with major issues. Not just me, but for the many people who depend on me. Just last week I fell sick with a summer flu and it disrupted dozens of lives. From my family, a friend that I take for radiation treatments at the Anderson Cancer Center, the older couple I cook meals and do laundry for, and right down to the wonderful others who were able to do these things in my place while I was out for the count.
It leaves me to wonder why the North Carolina Sheriff decided to serve this 64 year old woman a spontaneous summons. Was his choice random or did he merely assume she was old, retired and had nothing better to do that day but to go to the store for some cheese? What if she was like many grandmothers who watch their grandchildren during the summer vacation so their parents can go to work? What about her plans for the day or in some cases, her entire week? Jury Duty should be served with a bit of notice so a person can realign their plans and responsibilities.
In the meantime I think I'll move my shopping day to early Saturday mornings.
NASA Spacewalker Clayton Anderson, had the chore of heaving a 1,400-pound, refrigerator-size ammonia tank overboard. He also was to toss out some other outdated pieces of equipment during the morning excursion, with help from Russian crewmate Fyodor Yurchikhin.
They are also going to toss out 200 pounds of camera-mounting equipment and an attachment mechanism. Flight controllers expect the ammonia tank to orbit for 10-11 months before re-entering the atmosphere and they say there "should", I repeat - "should" be no danger of a collision between the trash and the space station before that happens.
Well, heck. What about the satellite that carries my cell phone service or if this space litter takes out my satellite TV? This is so NOT cool, but it gets even worse:
"While small chunks are expected to survive next year's fall and make it Earth, officials hope those chunks will hit the ocean."
They hope? Maybe we should ask Mr. Hastings from Bayonne, NJ who just a few weeks ago on July 18, was enjoying some television when a chunk of metal crashed through the roof of his house. Officials called upon the Federal Aviation Administration and NASA in an attempt to identify the chunk.
NASA's response, "It doesn't look very space-y. It's obviously made for something . But we wouldn't know what to do with it."
Well, I'll say one thing, no chunks better crash through my mobile home come next spring. =O(
How did your parents first explain the birds and the bees to you? My Mother terrorized me with her "Sperm Germ" theory and it worked.
Basically boys had sperm germs, much like cold germs. You can't see 'em and they could be anywhere. Just as it is easy to catch a cold, I could catch myself pregnant or very sick with an STD if I wasn't very, very careful.
To hear Momma tell it, all boys were infested with these cootie like critters. They can be found in their underwear, on their hands and sometimes left behind where they may touch. So I was ALWAYS to wash my hands before and after anything possible. I could get pregnant if any of these germs found their way in me - from any body opening and at any time.
I'm a severe Spermophobe, even until this day. I never go out on the town without wearing my drawers and I keep a safe distance from all men. God forbid, one of those critters catches a breeze and comes home with me. Fully stocked with Purex, Lysol and Listerine.
However, as I sit here writing this I'm still suffering from a gosh darn chest cold.
Please forgive me for not blogging, I've been terribly sick over the last few days and could barely keep my head up for long. Summertime viruses must be the worst. My husband was a dear and stayed home from work Monday, the worst day of my illness, to help around the house and to keep an eye on Squirt.
All good things must come to an end as he went to the office yesterday for a few hours. I managed but for the life of me, I'll never know how single Mom's do it. Trying to lay down and get better while entertaining and keeping a 4-year old occupied is next to impossible.
Believe me, I tried everything. I figured she would be cool watching a movie or cartoon with me while I laid in bed, but five minutes later she was bored and wanted to go outside and play. She was restless and ended up flopping all over the bed, kicking me in the head a few times by accident hopping around.
Then I suggested, that since I was sick we could play Doctor and I'd be the patient. That worked out fairly well for about an hour. She would bring me tissues, check my fever, used an entire box of band-aids and stuck them all over me. I even convinced her to color me a "get well card" at the kitchen table but soon afterward she was bored again and I still had hours left to go before my husband was due home.
Lunchtime gave me another 15 minutes and then she wanted to help wash up dishes. Since there were only a few and I know she loves playing in the soapy dishpan while standing on her little stool - I figured why not let her. Sure, she'll get a little wet and I'd have to wash them again anyway - but if it kept her occupied, why not?
Squirt did very well actually, for a four year old - but later she came in with a big glass of "something" and demanded that I drink this concoction. I asked her what it was and she replied, "Sugar, Spice and everything nice."
Indeed it was, as I saw the undissolved sugar sitting on the bottom, what appeared to be lemon-pepper seasoning floating on top but it was the everything nice that really turned my already sick tummy. There was a mini carrot, a few grapes, strawberry syrup and a half-eaten string cheese thrown in soapy dish water.
"Drink it Momma. So I can have a baby sister to play with." she insisted. Thank heavens she didn't want a baby brother, for a glass full of snakes, snails and the puppy dog tails really would had made a dramatic scene.
I drank it, (so she thinks) and the rest of the afternoon was just as eventful as the morning. Today, I'm feeling a little bit better but I'm actually looking forward to going back to work - so I can get finally get some much needed rest.
UPDATE: Can't post because Comcast Internet is again being terrible - I'm now 99.999% sure that I am going to call Bell South for a package deal. I went to work, thought I'd do well but half way through broke out in a clammy cold sweat and needed to sit down. Still better, for at least I can sit down and not need to lay down - but still not good enough to be out working. Maybe tomorrow. =O(
Judy has tagged me and although I could use the excuse "I've done this before" and maybe, possibly get out of doing this meme. Although I could find the old one and repost it again, taking the lazy route out of it. I decided to instead do it again with a little pizazz.
FOUR JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE:
Parental Piece Work: At the incredible rate of .05 cents a chore, it took me a whole entire summer to earn enough money to buy myself an AC/DC concert shirt. Selling "Now & Laters" in School: Mini Ms. Margie Capitalist begins her Manifesto. Blackmail: Pay me and I won't tell. Dog Sitting: I once watched over two Giant Newfoundlands for an entire weekend and for most of the time was pinned under both of them sitting on me, instead.
FOUR MOVIES I WOULDI'M FORCED TO WATCH OVER AND OVER:
The Little Mermaid Cinderella Shrek I and II Charlotte's Web
FOUR PLACES I HAVE LIVED:
In a Bedroom: My first husband promised we would only live with his Mother for a few months, then we would get our own apartment. For over five years I lived in a 12x12 bedroom and hated every minute of it. In a House: A simple 3 bedroom rancher that I now wish I didn't walk away from and count as a loss when I divorced. He lost it to 3 years of unpaid taxes. In an Apartment: The best apartment in the whole entire world. On the marsh with a sunset every evening and a million dollar view. Never mind that the house was unstable and had sunk, leaving it angled at a 16" incline about to slide into said marsh during any given rainstorm. In a Mobile Home: Yep, where else can one enjoy sitting in their living room, watching a movie and feeling like they are on a first class air liner. You even get to experience a bit of Turbulence when the washer goes on spin cycle.
Beets: Hot, cold, whole, sliced, diced - doesn't matter. They taste like dirt. Liver: I know, it's not original and no wonder. Who would want to eat a body organ that has the sole purpose of filtering out toxins and all the bad stuff that you ingest? Might as well lick your Air Conditioner filter. Sweet Potatoes: Once in a great while a great cook can make a Sweet Potato Pie that can get by me. Just don't tell me that it isn't pumpkin. I'll gag. Scallops: I don't know, I think I'm allergic to them. Can you be allergic to them?
PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE NOW:
Hospital Recovery Room: After getting some much needed and wanted plastic surgery. Dentist Chair: Getting myself a new snazzy set of veneers. (Both hospital and dental comes with doses of good meds.) GA Lotto Office: Cashing in a multi-million dollar lotto ticket. Grandma's Kitchen: Eating luncheon sammiches, with sweet pickles and tea. With the huge glass cookie jar over on the counter for me to dig into when I'm done.
FOUR PEOPLE I TAG TO DO THIS MEME
Aha, I knew there was a catch. I'll tell 'ya what - if you have blue eyes and a personal blog and are reading this - "Tag! You're it."
There are many uses for Rubber Bands, but for now just to name a few:
- Can be used to power toys, such as airplanes, without electricity. - Can be flung at someone/something, therefore it has uses as a weapon. - Can be used to hold a bunch of objects, such as pencils, together. - Can be used as a Christmas tree ornament - Can be used as an effective catapult.........
.... or not.
(A Big Thanks to Dr. Chip for making me laugh so hard that my bellybutton is permanently inside out.)
WARNING: The following meme from Fly 'in Fox includes incredible sappy songs that carry with them emotional memories from my past. In no way should this post reflect upon my obscene and awesome taste in music as found on my MP3 player. These are merely songs that just happened, fell upon the moment - if you may:
#5 - "Babe" by Styx: It was the slow slog that was playing when I had my first official slow dance. With a real boy that I liked and who liked me right back. (Before this slow dancing was limited to standing ontop of my Great Grandpop's shoes.)
#4 - "Sad Eyes" by Robert John: Was the song that brought me to tears after this very first boyfriend dumped me and broke my heart.
#3 - "Can't Fight this Feeling" by REO Speedwagon: The Prom song, and it always brings back some cool High School Memories.
#2 - "Say You, Say Me" by Lionel Richie; Usually it is the GIRL in a relationship that picks "our song" but my ex-husband decided that this stupid song was the one and I hated it. He'd play it often and when it came on the radio tried his best to howl out some sort of heartfelt serenade. Just thinking about it is enough to make me toss up my French Fries.
#1 - "Amazed" by Lonestar: Unlike the previous song and alas, my previous marriage this song just sorta fell upon Gon and I when we first were dating. The lyrics just fit each moment and the magic of being in love. Today, seven odd years later - he still amazes me.
Now it's time to tag three Bloggy Peeps out there. Usually I don't do it, but need to do it because as Fly 'n Fox says, that's the fun in blogging. In fact, I'm backed up on Tags and Memes and have two others to post over the next few days.
As a first time Mommy, I've taken great pains to protect Squirt from bad influences. From avoiding the little brat down the street to saying "No," to daycare facilities. It wasn't even that long ago that I swore up and down that she would either go to a prissy little private school or be home-schooled.
I think I've changed my mind.
Yesterday Squirt convinced me that she had become that kid that I didn't want her to be around. A little toddler girl was intrigued by a beaded necklace Squirt was wearing. As babies and toddlers often do, she couldn't take her eyes off of the necklace. Wanted to touch it, pull it and play with it. When all of the sudden, my Little Angel and symbol of all smiles, laughter and love whipped around and shouted, "I HATE YOU Baby. I really HATE YOU!"
I wanted to crawl under the nearest rock and hide. I was so embarrassed.
Then again, I should have seen it coming. The warning signs were there. Recently I tried to take a much needed half-hour nap and in doing so, created three hours of clean up for myself as Squirt trashed the entire kitchen and living room.
To think that I have been so fussy in not letting the little brat down the street come in to play - because I though she trashed Squirt's room and broke her toys. Especially since I know Squirt can do that all by herself.
Note the poor, abused and frightened cat in the bottom left corner stuffed in the drawer. Forced to stay, play and endure Bibbity Bobbity Boo Bashing upon his poor head.
A few weeks ago she enjoyed a week of Vacation Bible School and met a little boy named ironically "Little Johnny." Seems Little Johnny hit Squirt out on the playground and I had asked her, "What did you do?"
"I hit him right back," she confidently answered.
Maybe it's time to stop being so overprotective, Squirt seems to be able to hold her own quite well.
1. Hubby and Me are Astrotwins. We were both born on the same day, month, year - within the same hour in time and in distance of one another.
2. Hubby and Me met one another online 33 years later - after I discovered his resume' on a search engine result when I Googled my birthdate.
3. Hubby and Me have been married for five years. (10/28/01)
4. Hubby and Me share many of the same likes. Music, food, TV shows, Movies, etc. We even have birthmarks and scars in identical places.
5. Hubby and Me also have many differences. I'm neat, orderly and scheduled where he is messy, chaotic, forgetful and late most of the time.
6. Hubby is the youngest of three siblings as I am the oldest of three siblings.
7. Hubby excels in the Sciences and technology where I excel in Writing, Math and the arts.
8. Although Hubby sleeps on the right side of the bed and I sleep on the right. Although when he is hot, I am cold and when he is cold, I am hot. Although when one of us is down, the other is up we Yin - Yang quite comfortably.
"Founder of Huggable Urns - Alexandra, is passionate about maintaining the loving connections between the living and their loved ones who moved on. "Our society really doesn't deal well with the whole dying process" she says, "and it can make it very hard for people who are grieving, when they are forcibly separated from the remains of their loved one. When my own father died, his ashes were put into a plastic urn which was stored in my mothers closet. All I wanted to do was hold him again, but the urn was hard and impersonal."
"I just love to sit and hold my father" she says. "Even though I know that he as moved on, I feel as if he is still watching over me in his own way. It gives me great comfort to know he is physically close and a part of my life, instead of being hidden away in a closet or scattered somewhere."
Okay, I've read enough and this is creeping me out. What does Dad think about his remains being incarcerated in the bowels of a bear? Wouldn't he rather be set free or at the very coolest be mummified and resting underneath a pyramid of some sorts? How long must he suffer this purgatory of becoming an addition to somebody's Beanie-Baby plush toy collection?
Thankfully after sharing this site with my husband this morning, he assured me that this would not be an option when it comes to my earthly remains.
However, he did say he would take my remains to a taxidermist and mount me on the bow of his boat! Goodness, imagining what I may look at as a 90 year old woman, doesn't give me the impression of a beautiful maiden bow ornament. Instead I envision the fish being scared away by this
3) Me: "What twitter? I don't see a twitter. What in the world is a twitter anyway?" Google: "If you don't see Twitter Updater there, you may have copied the Twitter Updater"
4) Me: "Upload? I didn't upload anything this evening." Google: "I have like 4-5 clips I can upload. Shoot me another email to remind me."
5) Me: "Email you? You're Google for heaven's sake, your omniscient." Google: "While I appreciate your insight into the presence or absence of a god, I can't help but think that you're under the false pretext that god HAS to be."
6) Me: "I knew you were too big brotherish. You're the product of the Anti-Christ aren't you?" Google: "You're reading way too much into it. Conservatives are simply dumb."
7) Me: "Are you calling me dumb? You're a very ignorant search engine." Google: "Think "Dumb and Dumber": This site is dumb, you'redumber."
8) Me: "I can't believe I'm hearing this. You are so rude and obnoxious!" Google: "You know it's trash, but it's just so ridiculous you can't stop yourself."
9) Me: "That's it. I am not coming here ever again." Google: "I never thought I’d feel that good again ever in my life. ... Thank you for cominghere."
10) Me: "Well yeah, good riddance you jerk." Google: "Good luck in May when you find out you can’t graduate because of misinformation."
Appetizer: Should I Friday Feast today? Sure but the kitchen is closed this week and the chef is off on vacation. Kind of sucks because I've been a bit too short on blog material brain farts for the last week or two and I need something to work with.
Soup: The news has been giving me quite a few interesting notions, but for those who know me here - I don't strive for political correctness. Take today's Live Earth concerts held all over the world under the Al Gore's Global Warming campaign. Here you have big jetliners flying bands and entertainers all over the world to different venues, to go on a brightly lit stage and plug in to some serious ampage. The energy used and the carbons emitted in this grand adventure may be enough to melt down a few more glaciers.
Salad: Fireworks are a staple of Independence Day celebrations. We were torn on where to go this year. Rumors have it that the show offered on Tybee Island would take 3 hours in stalled traffic to get there and back. Not to mention the lack of parking situation - the same problem that made us steer clear of the firework show offered in downtown Savannah. We decided to head in the opposite direction and check out the bangers over at Ft. Stewart.
A stray firework set off the entire inventory on the ground and the show ended early. A big disappointment to the spectators - but the 3rd ID "Explosive Ordinance Disposal Team" had some real life training as they rolled in to safely detonate the unexploded fireworks.
Main course: Discontented with working. Yup, that's my beef this Friday. I'm working, working and working from the moment I get up until the moment I lay down. In some instances this is good for it is keeping me away from smoking and helping me quit. On the other hand work is keeping me away from blogging and doing many of the things I like to do. Not to mention, I'm having "work" nightmares that are imposing on my sleep time. Sleep is my escape from work - at least it is supposed to be. But I seem to be working so much, I'm showing up naked with unbrushed teeth in public places. So not cool.
Dessert: Despite my working woes, I do have lots of good things happening in my life. I have a wonderful husband and a delightful daughter who never cease to keep life interesting. I don't have many local friends since moving to Savannah 10 years ago, plenty of acquaintances but have longed for a true best friend. Over the past few weeks I realized that I really did have one all along.
So let me take a moment to shout out to Tina, hopefully without embarrassing her. =O)
She has been a wonderful sitter for Squirt for a few years now and I am so thankful to have found such a caring, supportive and wonderful caretaker for my daughter. However, Tina's qualities do not end there. It's hard to find a best friend. One you can trust especially if you've been burnt so much by so many others in the past.
Naturally, if I could trust someone with the most precious part of my life - my daughter, I can surely trust her friendship. She is so awesome in so many ways and I'm so happy to have found her. I'm not so alone in this Big Ole Savannah anymore. Thanks Tina.
I'm having issues with this whole "4th of July" thing.
It's "Independence Day". Nobody goes around saying "Hey Dude, what 'cha going to be up to on the 25th of December?"
No, they instead ask if you have any plans for Christmas.
The same thing goes for the 31st of October, the 1st of January, the 14th of February, the 17th of March and that now solemn day 11th of September.
Then there are all of those other holidays that don't fall on a specific date but on the 2nd or 3rd Sunday or Monday of the month, or Equinox or Summer/Winter Solstice when the moon is full, or new or the stars align in such a way that we need to take this experience as an excuse to get a bit festive and party.
Either way, Happy Fourth no matter if by time you read this if it is your 4th beer, 4th hot dog, 4th orgasm, 4th cigar... have four of all good things today.
Enjoy this wonderful, mid-week tease of a Saturday. Above all be safe and watch out for those drought thirsty tree frogs.
Oh never mind, they all seem to be in my backyard and beer mug this afternoon. =O(
Judy always happens upon the coolest memes. "First and Last" is an easy one, especially for this lazy Monday night as I sit here just vegging over the many things I have yet to do this week. If you feel like playing, play along.
* First job: I was the most coveted babysitter in our town when I was a teenager and made a lot of money for a kid my age. My next paycheck type of job was waitressing in a Chinese restaurant. I as the only one who spoke English and could take orders and it proved to be quite an interesting experience.
* First screen name: Ms. Peabody has always been my secret name when writing letters back and forth in school. There may even be some Peabody graffiti here and there at my old Jr. and Sr. High School. It was also my CB Handle. But later, when computers came rolling around a friend used to call me "MargieMix" as in we are out of Margarita Mix. My screen name has been this ever since.
* First funeral: I was 18 and it was my Great Grandfather. I wasn't allowed to go to my Great Grandmother's funeral because my Mother felt it would be too scary for me.
* First pet: A Collie named Toby. He looked a lot like Lassie and was a great dog and never left my side when I was little.
* First piercing: I had my ears pierced during a pajama party when I was 16. I had to hide my ears for the next two years because my father would never allow it.
* First tattoo: No tattoos here, I'm against them.
* First credit card: A JC Penny Card. I remember splurging on a brand new wardrobe the very week that I got it in the mail.
* First kiss: Around first grade, but I don't remember which boy did it. They all used to chase me around the baseball dugout at the playground and some would catch me, some could not. Then one afternoon, I was cornered and ended up running smack into the concrete dugout wall and knocked both of my front teeth out. They were my baby teeth thank goodness.
* First enemy: Her name was Michelle and she used to beat me up all of the time on the way home from school.
* Last car ride: Besides back and forth to work today as usual, we did have to ride out to the train station at 11pm last night to pick up Gon who had come home from a business trip.
* Last kiss: Today, this afternoon and this evening. In fact, I think I'll steal another right now.
* Last movie watched: "The School of Rock" It just happened to come on the cartoon channel and I caught a bit of it and it was quite funny.
* Last beverage drank: Cherry Coca Cola.
* Last food consumed: Tapioca pudding, still suffering from tooth being pulled the other day and I'm starving.
* Last phone call: Dennis, an arrogant, drunk and belligerent acquaintance, and a friend. He has cancer of the asshole and wanted to know if I could pick up some aloe vera gel for his radiation burns.
* Last time showered: This morning.
* Last CD played: I don't play CD's anymore with MP3's around. I'd have to say Veggie Tales because I bought Squirt a few Sunday School sing a long song CD's.
* Last website visited: Judy's Blog of course.
* Single or taken: Taken by force, kidnapped and drug to the church to get married five years ago and have been owned ever since.
* Gender: Female the last time I checked.
* Birthday: September 11th
* Sign: Virgo
* Siblings: What in the world is a sibling? Sounds nasty, like an extra nipple or something.
* Hair color: Blond. True blond also, although I tried to color it a number of times. My hair won't hold color no matter what I do.
* Eye color: Blue and quite possibly bloodshot this evening.
* Shoe size: Seven
* Height: 5'7"
* Wearing: My Nightgown
* Drinking: Cherry Coke
* Thinking about: Curling up in bed with a good book.
* Listening to: The vibration of the Air Conditioner with Gon singing our daughter goodnight from the far bedroom.