Happy St. Patricks Day! There were many search terms in my Statcounter this week regarding St. Patty's Day in Savannah, GA. Most of them seemed to ask about "Flashing Boobies" and "Titties on River Street." The answer is a big resounding "Yes!" There is a Mardi Gras of Boobs downtown since early this morning and the party has just begun.
But My party started last night and I'm still going strong. I'm going to blog either from home or my PDA throughout the day and fill you in on the events here in Savannah, GA on this beautiful Day. Trying to work in one of this week's Keyword Phrase in each of my updating posts, while drunk and standing on one foot.
1:39 p.m. "What are some of the parents issues with daylight savings?"
Yep, that was an odd Key phrase this week, and it seems an earlier daylight savings time may be causing a little havic here in Savannah. The photo above is of "Lucky" who was kidnapped from the front of a Savannah home about 9:15 one evening this week.
It's amazing what peeps do when intoxicated, but I find it amazing that nobody has since spotted a 6' Inflatable Lephrachan about the town। It hurts to imagine what sort of sick, twisted and demented things his abductors are doing to this rosey cheek good luck charm. But I'm also can be quite sure he's going to show up somewhere tonight.
2:53 p.m. "How much pounds of pullback do you need to have on your bow to killa wild pig?"
Someone found me in Google's #3 spot wanting to know the answer to that! Just when you thought you've heard it all.
In the meantime an Amber Alert has been issued throughout Savannah regarding the whereabouts and/or fate of Lucky the stolen inflatable leprechaun. We're going to head of to Wal-Mart and see if we can find him floating around in there.
Don't worry, I'm not driving, but I'll bring my bow and see if I can find out how many pounds of pullback it will take to bring Lucky down if I happen to spy him आउट.
4:16 p.m. "How to organize sock and underwear drawer"
Well, no such luck finding Lucky on our WallyWorld run but its a good thing I left my bow at home. There are millions of Lucky Look-a-likes about Savannah this afternoon. Whether or not their sock and underwear drawers are organized or not, they found the most interesting of apparel to deck out in today!
I did happen to run into Thing #1 and Thing #2 from The Cat in the Hat.
Heck, I think we even found The Cat in the Hat too!
After our Walmart Trip we stopped to pick up some Irish Cream and a Gallon of Chocolate Milk. That's my drink of choice for tonight. Blended with ice, with a bit of coffee, topped with whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Are you feeling it out there?!! Weeeeee!
Gon is busy moving the lawn after picking up a lawnmower wheel at the store. Why anyone would want to mow a lawn on this gorgeous day is beyond me, but when he's through I'll have a nice chilled Guinness Draught ready for his thirsty taste buds.
I'll stop in later after dinner। This is my last and final attempt at cooking Corned Beef and Cabbage. For the past five years Gon has been telling me that I've got it all wrong. That the meat is supposed to scare with a fork and that the dish is not as good as his mother had made it. I have Domino's Pizza on our speed dial just in case we need to order a thin crust with pepperoni tonight as a back up but so far... what's hottubbing in the crockpot looks and smells, oh so good!
6:36 p।m। "Recipes in tinfoil"
I nailed it! I nailed it! I dipped my fork into the Crockpot to snatch the Corned Beef Brisket and it crumbled and fell apart. The carrots and roasted potatoes (or Tiptatoes as Squirt calls 'em) were perfect, the broth flavorful and the entire meal fantastic.
Then again the Frosted Mocho-Choco-Baileys shakes are going down easy too. The music is blarring, I'm now mispelling words and the house is shaking. The cops would be here if they weren't so tied up with the drunks down on River Street.
I wonder if anyone found Lucky Yet? Heck, I wonder if anyone got Lucky yet?
Oh, cool song। Woodpecker from Mars। I'll be back later!
8:33 p.m. "What do you do if a girl wants to use you for sex"
Count your blessed lucky stars! I dunno, I never had a girl use me for sex before. Oh no, wait... there was Rosa that hot chick from Ecuador who .... nah, lets not go there tonight.
No, instead ... we'll go on with the festivities. What's St. Patty's Day without a little Dropkick Murphys in the mix?
9:45 p.m. "Big'n' soft tissue to man"
About the only thing Big 'n Soft that Man may like, that I know of are Boobies? Well, I guess it is about that time of the evening come each St. Patricks Day for girls to barter a string of beads for flash of boobies. Boy, oh boy do I have the perfect symmetrical pair for you!
What? You thought I was that drunk to post a picture of the real twins? Nah, trust me I'd scare y'all out of your computer chairs.
Well, not that I'm crashing or anything, in fact I'm ready to go downtown for a while. So I'm signing off for the night, good and blitzed and ready to get down to River Street and dance my heart out.
For crying out loud already! "Pig Sperm in Hawaiian Punch" was the number one search term for this blog this week. Where do people come up with such a thing? I guess that leaves me no other choice than to get all Snopes up over this myth and bust it out of my keyword search once and for all.
According to the Chicago Rabbinical Council Hawaiian Punch is Kosher! Sure the Red Food Dye will send your children through the roof with hyperactivity and the sugar content is bound to put diabetics into a coma. But you can be certain and sure that according to strict Jewish dietary conditions over thousands of years, there is no and will be no Piggily Wigglies swimming in your fruit punch. I promise.
Now I can't say the same for certain Hair products that extract the proteins of pig sperm to condition and treat dry and damaged hair. Piggy by-product emulsifiers can be also found in your hand lotions, bar soaps and tube of Chap Stick. When The Wall Street Journal reports on the market prices of Pork Bellies, you didn't really believe they were talking about investments in your ordinary bag of Pork Rinds, did you?
As cows get milked so are many male swine across this great nation of ours. The collection of semen is Dirty Job worthy of a Discovery Channel's Mike Row episode. I sure wouldn't want to do it. Another urban legend that needs to be busted is that piggies have 20 minute orgasms. No, but they do have an interesting four phase ejaculation that lasts anywhere between 5-10 minutes. Yielding an entire cup of the coveted swine juice each time to later be incorporated into your favorite age defying Oil of Olay.
Yup, somewhere is a huge boar named Olay and he doesn't mind one iota giving a little love to the cause of beauty. It's the least he can do and he's happier than a pig in mud to go to work each day. It's a dirty job but somebody has to do it.
Now that we can safely drink Hawaiian Punch again, here are my other Keyword terms for the week:
- When god blesses you you have no sorry with it - questions for how well do you know your mate - sniffing panties - what kind of weather georgia have - miss potty pants - dominant wife - what supplies do you need to do,how to get power from a potato. - nostradamus' hair dye recipe - jumbo shells stuffed with shrimp - discourage mockingbird - i'm fifty and i still have blackheads - watermelon festival, georgia, rind county - making a godbox - singapore penis pump banned - smell checker - megamillion lottery blog - what's up pussycat tom jones play - found daughter's boyfriend in closet what to do - wonder pets fly boat - hurricane cathrina - what does it mean to tie a red bandana to a car rear view mirror - virgo physical traits.
Back to a normal Keyword Kaos this week folks. Someone found this blog by searching Google for a "How Well do you Know your Spouse Test." I don't recall ever having such a post or test offered here, but it sounds like fun. Especially if we roll it up in some of this -week's crazy keyword searches.
For starters you may have issues if your husband has videos or pictures of Richard Simmons Doing Jumping Jack Exercises downloaded on his hard drive. If you think Sesame Street's Mr. Noodle is a Pervert you may feel differently if you come across any pictures titled Mega Tits or Madonna Funnels in hubby's document files.
If your husband is having Scrubbing Bubbles Cleaner Problems than this isn't an issue. You may have married one of those rare models that actually help clean the bathroom. Then again if you happen to keep the laundry hamper in there he could be Sniffing Your Panties behind the closed door. There seems to be an extraordinary number of keyword searches over the past few weeks that deal with many violations of under-panties that is deeply troubling me.
Now if your husband has been in the bathroom for a long time, you may NOT want to check in on him. There seems to be a few concerns about Slim-fast Flatulence this week. He could also be in there Squeezing Pimples or Popping Zits. You may also want to skip ordering mushrooms on your pizza for awhile. Because someone out there is wondering if Shrooms Cause Pimples.
Lastly, there is a slim chance that he could be in there Measuring Penis Size with an Empty Toilet Paper Roll. For some reason many men tend to measure their privates at various times during their lives. Ask any guy and he'll most likely give you the 411 right down to the half measurements. Granted a toilet paper roll is an odd measuring implement and this is the first I've heard of such a thing. But, hey whatever works.
Well that's about all I can roll into a "How Well do you Know Your Spouse Test", unless anyone out there can figure out a way to work in the remaining search terms:
- where can i find mud boggin in ga - unbelievable happenings - messing with sasquatch salt - how to get high when you have no marijuana - saint patrick's day savannah georgia - what do you do if your husband is dying?
Surprisingly, my keyword searches over this past week were quite tame. Nobody is searching to see if Hawaiian Punch has been tainted with swine fluids and all is quiet concerning ancient Egyptian Kings who may have smoked Marijuana.
I sniff laundry all of the time because I have a husband and daughter who ransack through their closets and drawers trying to find out what they want to wear each morning. Leaving a pile of unfolded, rumpled clean clothing on the floor. Since soiled clothing never seems to make it's way to the hamper and I refuse to rewash clothing that is clean, the sniff test is an appropriate time saving technique for a Wife or Mother. Perhaps even a modern Husband or Father that is burdened with dreaded laundry duties.
There were an extraordinary number of searches this week for those who are having issues with their mother.
- how to run away from your mom - what to do if you are 9 & your mom wants you to watch cinderella 3 - when your mother didn't love you - mother doesn't love me - what you gonna do when your mom hates you - what to do if your mom hates you - what do you do when your all grown up and you know your mom doesnt love you - what do you do when your teenager refuses to come home - how to drive moms crazy - mother squeezing my pimple
This makes me feel sad and honestly, having relationship issues with your Mother is something that I cannot understand. I only know what it is like to be a daughter who has serious relationship issues with her Dad.
My Mother was and still is extraordinary as she displayed huge amounts of love, patience and understanding. She deserves so much praise and credit for who I am and perhaps even the fact that I am even alive today.
Unlike Dad, Mom rarely spanked me and when she did there was no reason to be angry at her afterward. I full on deserved it by breaking not only a rule of the household, but a rule that caused her to worry herself sick about me. I could also trust her and bring any problem to her knowing she wouldn't go running to Dad over every little thing, especially those personal things.
Mom wasn't totally perfect, there were many things that she was a bit "spacey" about and many other matters that she hadn't a clue over. She was very prudish and old fashioned which caused us to disagree on how I was dressed and who I was dating many times. However, looking back now, even with her little imperfections she still is the model Mom that I've been hoping to measure up to.
So for those who are finding my blog after Googling questions about strained relationships with their Moms, I'm sorry and wish you the best. My only advice would simply be to pray for your Mothers. It can't hurt for sometimes there are things that only Mom and God know about and need to fix and work out together. Could be anything from a bad past, addictions, heartaches or fears that adults need to come to terms with. It isn't always a child's place to make them face these issues - but a good sincere prayer will help your spirit and the spirit shared between your Mother and you.
We interrupt the usual Keyword Kaos to report on the astounding number of "Get Myself Dead Issues" that poured through my Statcounter this past week.
18 - How to get High off of Lysol 3 - How to get high off of Axe Deodorant Spray
For those of you just stopping by or for those of you who do not know about stat reporting, these are the search words or terms that others had typed into Google, Yahoo or MSN search engines that had directed them to your site or weblog. I'm loosing sleep because it's painfully obvious that peeps be out there wanting to Huff shit!
To these people, KNOW this ain't your typical "Mommy" speaking. I know the deal, you're sitting with friends or alone and desiring to get a buzz on. You'll get busted if you hit up Dad's Liquor cabinet anymore for he's been drawing the levels on the bottles with a Sharpie Pen. Then some fool friend asks you what sort of cleaning supplies does your Momma have in the cabinet under the sink. Talking some shit about how aerosol products and others can offer up a sweet buzz.
Well, I'm here to tell you that your fool friend is one stupid cheap bastard! What's he gonna suggest next? That he rolls up a Food Stamp and sniffs up lines of Comet Cleanser? Well if you want to eventually be shot up and mainlined with some embalming fluid this is the way to go about it.
I ain't shitting you either. Many Mommy's and Housekeepers have been found cold and stiff after using various cleaning products in unventilated places. Quickly, and there was NO BUZZ for if there was, they would have known something was wrong by first feeling dizzy and would have escaped for some fresh air. Instead they felt overwhelmingly dizzy, nauseated and dropped dead on the spot.
Think for a second, cleaning products are designed to kill germs, odor causing bacteria, bugs, mildew and mold. Your body is nothing but a sack of living cells and biological goo. Each living cell working, splitting, multiplying and doing it's intended job. When you huff, the chemicals get into your blood stream and start killing off cells. The high or buzz that you feel is not because there is an added chemical in your system like Alcohol or Marijuana - it is because your body is freaking out. Your organs are banging on the pipes saying, "Send us the oxygen carrying red blood cells!! We're Dying here!"
Trust me, this ain't the way you wanna go. Do you want to be remembered as the cheap, stupid kid who killed himself with a can of Scrubbing Bubbles? Yes, I'm a Mom and you know what - I would rather have a kid who angers and embarrasses the shit out me by getting expelled from school or busted and in jail for underage drinking. I'd rather have you handcuffed and in Juvenile Detention for a bag of weed. I'd rather these far more than having to plan your funeral and bury your cold stiff stupid ass six foot under.
Well, I'm done my rant. Kids, just stay out of all cabinets will you? Unless you like them so much you want to spend forever in a nice pine, wooden coffin of a cabinet. If you want a cheap buzz then just sit down that XBox paddle and run your asses around the block as long and as fast as you can. You'll experience the best euphoria in a healthy natural adrenaline buzz that will last longer than huffing without the puking and pounding headaches.
Keyword Kaos will return in it's usual format next Saturday as I'll leave you with two more disturbing search terms of the week:
- I caught my daughters boyfriend sniffing my panties - Hawaiian punch has pig sperm
1. Recipe issues. -what do you put on onion bagels -shit on shingle appetizer -flan canned milk boiled in the can -do mushrooms go in crockpot chili
2. Political issues. -reasons not to vote for hilary -why vote for john mccain? -savannah georgia jury duty
3. Entertainment/Travel Issues. -mafia party invitation -what time can visit the statue of liberty and what time have to go home -bozo show savannah -rind county georgia -upcoming singing contest in georgia
4. Vanity issues. -im addicted to squeezing pimples -my feet are small prayer -metaformin and weight loss -why do i get symmetrical pimples? -addicted to squeezing blackheads -mushroom hairstyle -average poots per day
5. Mechanical and Consumer Issues. -how to get high off of lysol -dishwasher elbow screw facing wrong way -kmart clearance schedule -do you have a willy
