So here I sit on a Sunday morning while the family is off to church. Funny, I grew up with a father who NEVER went to church and remember how much it hurt me; yet here I am doing the exact same thing. He never said why he never went other than his church is not in a building. It's when he's out fishing or out in the woods hunting when he feels closer to God.
I don't buy that excuse now. See, I'm still upset with God. I do still have faith in Him, believe in Him and appreciate what He has done for me. I'm just waiting for the Almighty to apologize. I guess He doesn't do that.
The last time I sat in church was about two years ago. I was VERY happy, excited for I had so much going for me and plans for my future. I also was unexpectedly pregnant. A shock at first but soon a pure joy as I felt every hormone rush, morning sickness and love in my heart for a new little buddy to come along. Overjoyed maybe.
Yet just before my third month - something didn't feel right. I prayed. I prayed hard. I sat in church and cried through the whole service. I miscarried that very afternoon.
I haven't been back since.
Something does not sit well with me when a person could be elated to levels so high then slammed down to the pits of despair and left there. No reason given. No apology.
I could go with the family and be pretentious. Sit there week after week begrudgingly, with a huge fake smile upon my face. But for some reason I don't believe that God would like that very much. These are behaviors and actions that He despises. That I despise.
He doesn't apologize. Or does He? Will I ever get a rainbow?
Probably not and you know what? It hurts. I won't allow myself to ever be elated like that again. I feel like I'm not worthy of it and that God felt that way too. Which if is the case, then I feel really shitty. It sucks.
So there it is.