So here I sit on a Sunday morning while the family is off to church. Funny, I grew up with a father who NEVER went to church and remember how much it hurt me; yet here I am doing the exact same thing. He never said why he never went other than his church is not in a building. It's when he's out fishing or out in the woods hunting when he feels closer to God.
I don't buy that excuse now. See, I'm still upset with God. I do still have faith in Him, believe in Him and appreciate what He has done for me. I'm just waiting for the Almighty to apologize. I guess He doesn't do that.
The last time I sat in church was about two years ago. I was VERY happy, excited for I had so much going for me and plans for my future. I also was unexpectedly pregnant. A shock at first but soon a pure joy as I felt every hormone rush, morning sickness and love in my heart for a new little buddy to come along. Overjoyed maybe.
Yet just before my third month - something didn't feel right. I prayed. I prayed hard. I sat in church and cried through the whole service. I miscarried that very afternoon.
I haven't been back since.
Something does not sit well with me when a person could be elated to levels so high then slammed down to the pits of despair and left there. No reason given. No apology.
I could go with the family and be pretentious. Sit there week after week begrudgingly, with a huge fake smile upon my face. But for some reason I don't believe that God would like that very much. These are behaviors and actions that He despises. That I despise.
He doesn't apologize. Or does He? Will I ever get a rainbow?
Probably not and you know what? It hurts. I won't allow myself to ever be elated like that again. I feel like I'm not worthy of it and that God felt that way too. Which if is the case, then I feel really shitty. It sucks.
I haven't blogged since forever and decided to at least start free-writing thoughts as they come to me. It's an an effort to regain a part of my mind that seems to have gotten itself lost over the past few years. Maybe this will be my one and only post for another few years; maybe this is a new beginning.
Who the fuck knows?
So anyhow, there was a lunar eclipse last night; the type that make our pesky little orbiter turn red. It's often referred to as a Blood Moon and supposedly has all sorts of tales, omens and mythical meanings to it. I've been reading about this impending event on Facebook during this last week. Some friends posting just the scientific facts, some posting doom and gloom and other's just bragging about their ability to stay awake or awaken at 3 in the morning in hopes to snap the perfect picture of the beastly thing. Not me, I had a very difficult day and was so soundly asleep that I wasn't going to wake up for nothing, nobody and nohow.
I noticed a gorgeous full moon while driving home from my 13 hour workday from hell and was reminded that in a few hours the thing would turn red. My mind was in a state of having no more fucks left to give, so I just glanced over the impeding omens, myths and bologna that are tagged to this sort of event. Instead my heavily issued mind focused on the beauty of the whole event. Just how incredible the physics of this world, our being, our intelligence and our moments.
I recall thinking that if all of this awesome wasn't by the hand of God, then we must be nothing more than a big, freaky mistake. The thought of that seemed awful and it made me feel angry inside. It's one thing to be an intelligent being, another to share our intelligence by filling everyone's traffic commute with data. From speed limit signs, traffic lights, directional signs and passing zones. Someone engineered, studied and devised a foul-proof directional plan so we can efficiently travel to and from work with the highest degree of safety.
Well, unless you live in Savannah, GA where there seems to be blind traffic engineers.
So like why would anyone bother to do that? Is it because they care? Is it because they love? Is it because the lack of roadway insignia caused the death of a loved one and made them angry and determined? What if nobody gave a fuck?
What if there wasn't a God? That would seem so cruel for nature to give us all of these emotional feelings and intellect. As much as the anarchist in me despises rules, regulations and authority - are they in place because someone cared?
So my focus returned to gorgeous moon and it's impending eclipse that will occur in just a few short hours. If I'm recalling correctly (considering my mind is shot the hell out) these blood moons are some sort of omen of impending apocalyptic times. No surprise there as I believe we are living those times, and war is already in effect and seemingly escalating into other areas.
A notion that I'm not in fear of because it precedes the "Great and Awesome day of our Lord." That despite our intelligence, brains, emotions and efforts to give a fuck; war, tragedy and hard times still befall us. They say evil exists in the absence of God. Makes some sense, almost like driving down an unmarked highway without any regulations or caution signs.
Then the thought returned, "What if there wasn't a God?" You know, I'd be angry about that. However, angry at who? My shot out mind then thought I would be angry with God. For what? Mad at God for not creating a God? That sounds absurd but a part of me immediately questions why our existence in all of it's beauty, our feelings, our smarts and our compassion would even be allowed in simple nature to occur if there wasn't a God and a life hereafter.
So yes, I would be mad at God if there wasn't a God. I guess Descartes would say, "I think therefore there is an "I Am."
I just finished watching the weekly update from yesterday from this Pastor, I've been following him for quite some time but even before that - been following Biblical Prophesy for well over 20 years. It's sort of a hobby of mine and we surely live in exciting times. I don't share it much with others because as this pastor says here, many people mock Biblical prophesy these days. It's no wonder either, as we have nut-job pastors like that Harold Camping guy setting rapture dates. It makes me so mad sometimes.
For some reason you came to mind often as I was watching this today. I don't know why but I feel I'm to share it with you. This Pastor came here from Lebonon but his parents were Egyptian and Palestinian. He is an Arab in nationality and understands the middle east and brings insights that we mere American's cannot fathom or see.
I know it seems that we may be on opposite sides politically but I assure you that I desire the same things and actually share many of the ideologies. I'm not the Christian right nor left. I don't hate Obama or think he's the Antichrist, he actually has some very worthy and good intentions. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not one to hate anyone for anything. Gay, right, left, black, white, Muslim or even Alabama football fans. (hehehehe) Sure, there are those who I dislike, but that would be due to something they have personally done to harm me and my family usually by dishonest means. Even then, I pray them up. It's all that I can do really.
There are a couple definitions of a Libertarian prospective. Right, left, moderate, etc. My stand is being against the gov't and institutions penalizing people for being poor and in poverty. For example our riding lawn mower broke down in July and needed a $250 part and repair. We didn't have that money right away, but did scrape it up and had our lawnmower back from the shop in two weeks. Only it was the middle of summer, we had a lot of rain that week and the city decided to fine us $125 for not maintaining our lawn. Only it's not our lawn, it's a company property and our landlord, well he gets mad, sends a landscaper out and gives us a $175 bill on top of the city's fine.
There are many other instances as well as intrusions that penalize us for being poor. Thus our less gov't stand in things. Everything goes by the book and there is no sympathy or personal attention for real hardship situations. We could own a decent, running car sitting in our driveway but can't drive it because we can't afford insurance and tags... or a rich person can not pay his insurance and tags and have a car in his garage. (A garage that we don't have to hide a car in.) We both get fined the same and that isn't fair because rich person can afford the fine and not have his vehicle stolen from him. We're given a fine that we can't afford and 30 days to remove our vehicle from our own rented home.
I understand the "Occupy" thing going on, mainly because I have a rich business owner who has taken advantage of us at every turn. Not just us, but he's so arrogant that he told a welfare-to-work employee that she was stealing food off of his kids plates by coming in late everyday and she only makes minimum wage. There are so many like that out there.
However, although I understand it - I can't believe that we're going to be able to achieve "heaven on earth" for everybody. As I read my Bible on prophesy and see each event unfold just as it was written - I find us closer and closer to the troubling days foretold. There is a spirit of deception behind all of this and it's not someone we can point a finger at. It's not Obama, it's not Bush, Glen Beck, George Soros or Ron Paul. I see the stage being set for the Revelation prophesies where "no man can buy or sell without the mark" and a crying earth of natural disasters and pestilences - that no mortal man can stop. There will be a man who arises who will be praised, worshiped and adored for making it appear that "heaven is on earth" but we know that he has been penned the Great Liar many, many generations ago.
So as I see this go on, although wonderful and full of good intentions - I have no faith in it. I can only control my immediate surroundings and the fullness of life that I can give to my family and friends. Sure I care about people loosing their jobs, poverty, hunger, disease, and all of the present woes - I live them most of the time. But it has not been appointed to me to be able to "buy" comfort for the world. Only to take care of what I can in the ways that I can and with talents that I had been given. To love my neighbor.
There is truth to the "every man for himself" notion and we can't enforce every man to be his brother's keeper. Heck we can't even make a man pay child support for his own flesh and blood around here.
Making someone do something and going by the impersonal book of law won't work out fairly either.
There's only one way to a true "heaven on earth" and I keep my eyes and hopes on that. He said He'll come again and will do just that and we will know it's forever to be in His presence and glory.
That's my take. Don't hate me or call me foolish. I love you.
BANG! CRASH! BOOM! The thunder rolled as the rain plummeted the aluminum awnings that shaded each of our windows in our humble first home. The dogs ran for cover into their each respective canine caves. The cat fumbled with the door to the under the sink cabinet for his hidey hole. I even jumped out of my seat with as much grace as I could muster so I wouldn't pass on my fear of thunder and lighting to a vulnerable 3yr old Squirt.
She realized at that moment that everyone feared the big noise coming from outside and determined that maybe; perhaps she should be a scaredy cat too. She ran into my arms in search of safety, comfort and explanation.
"Remember the Pirate's Beards you've noticed on our trees outside?" I asked. "Well once in awhile those silly pirates like to carry on and play games with their pirate ships in the sky. They have water cannons that go BOOM! They jump off planks that go BANG! And sometimes they go CRASH! into a tree and get their beards all tangled up in the branches."
"Well this my dear," I embellished, "is what is happening right now outside. Those Arrrrr-ornery pirates are out there making a big mess but we're very safe inside."
She never feared thunderstorms since, yet now that she is 8 she knows that these ornery pirates do not exist. Only I don't know whether it is to not disappoint me or because she likes to play - whenever a storm rumbles on the horizon she wants me to go to weather.com to bring up the map to see what direction the Pirates are sailing.
Much like she still wants me to go to NORAD's website to track Santa each year.
Just last week on our way to school we drove by a home decorated to the hilt for Easter. In the front yard stood a giant pink inflatable Easter Bunny on top of a hay pile nest of giant colored eggs.
She looked at me and asked, "Mom? Why do people believe in fake stuff like a big scary Easter Bunny who craps jelly beans and lays eggs?"
I was speechless, half wondering if the time has come where my little girl has figured out the whole Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa conspiracy. Then she said, "Why don't they believe in the real stuff like Jesus?"
Nevertheless, here it is the night before Easter morning and I have yet to make a run to pick up Easter basket goodies. Only I don't know whether I'm doing this to not disappoint her or because I like to play. What I do know is whenever a storm rumbles on the horizon of her little life she'll want to go to Holy Bible to see what direction she should be sailing.
There comes a point in many a life when a person just says “Fuck it.” I’ve seen this quite frequently working with the elderly in their golden years. Take actress Betty White for example who once was a sweet epitome of a blushing Grandma on the set of The Golden Girls. She now drops the F’bombs like a Mofo pro. Above is a video of William Shatner, once famous as the level headed captain of the Starship Enterprise now feeling perfectly comfortable telling everyone in the entire universe to go fuck off.
So why should I feel or behave any different today after feeling like a fire hydrant planted in the middle of a dog park this past week? There are natural stages of emotion that a person goes through when they are forced to face their mortality. Sadness, fear, joy, hope and anger; lots of anger. We seemed trained to point fingers and blame at others when there are so many questions without answers. You soon realize that there isn’t just one entity, person or fault to cast blame but it’s perfectly okay to dish out a few fuck offs as you try to summarize the meaning of your pitiful life.
No so much are these flaming words of poo directed towards any particular individual. You’re past that. Forgiveness has been offered and no matter if accepted or not, the individual situation is no longer a pressing issue and you’ve got way bigger fish to fry. You look towards bigger explanations and villains to cast blame upon. Like our entire health care system here in America.
Yes, Health Care. I'm going there and absolutely no – I do not think making our health into any sort of law is a good thing. Sure it may look good on the surface but consider the future ramifications it could bring. Imagine parents being arrested on child endangerment charges for letting their fair little girl go outside and play on a sunny afternoon. Imagine couples being arrested for exchanging bodily fluids without proof of insurance, license or state approval. Sure it sounds preposterous now but many of our laws in place today would seem just as preposterous to American’s 100 years ago.
See I have found out the hard way that we can’t just cook a dinner for a Doctor and have him come out for a house call. You can’t even make an appointment now without stating your insurance and a referral from your General Physician. Forcing me to pay for health insurance over rent is counter-productive. Living outside under the bridge in the elements exposes not only me but my entire family to potential health hazards. Cutting my grocery allowance in half to pay for an insurance plan will only put rice and .49 cents a pound chicken skin and ass flaps on my supper table. Why can’t everyone see from the left and the right side of the issue, that government in our health insurance is not a good thing?
They are right in one aspect, basic healthcare should be a right but where they twist things up is in all of the preceding laws that government has already in place to regulate health care. Flip back to the giant stack of papers in the 1990’s that relate to the HIPPA rules and regulations and The Health Care Act of 1973. There are plenty of laws that have been snuck into the books over the years that not only remove basic health care as a simple right, but limit our access to it. Don’t believe me? Call a dermatologist and try to make an appointment. Tell them you don’t have healthcare insurance but want to pay cash. Just like I have over the past three years trying to get in to see a local dermatologist for this deadly black, melanoma tarantula sitting on my left upper arm.
Funny, sitting before me is a Jury Summons for next month. I can be exempted by either being over 70, no longer a resident of the county, a convicted felon or not a US Citizen. Oh, there is also a physician form that can be filled out. (Providing that you have insurance and a physician to say that you’re fucking dying by the way!!) I wonder what they would do if I check of “Not a US Citizen” and declare my total denouncement of this fucked up system?
I wonder what my beloved grandfathers would say if I denounced the very system they fought, worked and died for? I wonder what they’d think if they saw that very system in place today and what it has become? To see that not only do people continue to die for it, many also die because of it.
There is that little bugger! Over this weekend I’ve searched through all of my photo albums through the past 8 years and there it was. The beauty mark from hell painted on my left upper arm. I’ve always been loaded down with freckles although many have faded over the years. Some new ones have appeared that seem normal and I never thought much about them, until now.
Now I’m worried about each and every one of my freckles, examining each with a scrutiny unlike ever before. Has it changed? Has it always been there? I feel more aware of every ache and pain that normally I would just brush off with a dose of aspirin chased down with my morning coffee. Why is it that I seem to wake up with pounding headaches and a back ache? Who in the world has charley horses in their abdomen? What is this bump on the back of my head? It amazes me how in just a few day’s that a person can become obsessively aware of self.
I mentioned in my previous post that this is the third time that I’ve had to face my terrific mortality. Eight and a half years ago I was 20 weeks pregnant and on Hwy 16 slowing down for an accident was just ahead. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a speeding tour bus barreling down on me. It’s was amazing! There had to be 5 seconds at most before impact, but do you know how many years of thought can go through your mind in that short of time? I always thought the phrase of having your life flash before your eyes was cliché’. Au contraire! It is a real and precisely defined experience.
Take that “Holy Shit! I almost died!” stomach flip feeling you get after realizing you’ve leaned back too far in your chair. Magnify that rush a hundredfold until you find yourself in the midst of an extreme thought orgasm full of memories and future hopes. There is no time to form a prayer and give God an argument on why you don’t want to die right now. There is no time to finally tell a person that “Thank you” or “I’m sorry” that you’ve been putting off. No time for a “Goodbye, I love you” before the impending crash and possible doom.
That is, unless one has the mortality of an optimist. Then you just know that no matter what, everything is going to work out okay because God has His hand on it. You are given time for one short prayer and plea that covers every single thought or care. “Thy will be done.”
I survived that crash. Some say it was a miracle; some chalk it up to coincidental luck. I say it wasn’t in God’s will for me to die that day and it wasn’t my time.
That gives me hope to plow through this melanoma mountain that is ahead of me. If it’s my time then it’s my time, if not I can’t stop living just to wait on the unknown. We all should live each day as if we were dying for the day will come soon enough when it will be all we can do to just breathe.
