Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Take it to the Mattresses
Margaret: "Been following your weblog for sometime and been wanting to share an issue but not sure if you can help. You say PCOS, depression and a few things that my wife seems to have and I am worried and a bit frustrated on what to do after 12 years of this. She used to be happy and fun until after her pregnancy like a switch and I dont know how to reset it. Some could be my fault as I don't know the right thing to do or say or try. She bitches about my video game playing I bought games we could play together it works for a few days and she becomes disinterested. She gained lot of weight and it does bother me only because I know it really bothers her and effects her going out to visit family, work and destroys her confidence and her motivation. My motivation and i feel worry because our daughter may be learning to go in the same direction. I love my wife with all my heart and our daughter i just dont know what to do anymore." - McX from VA

Dude McX,
One of my favorite scenes in the classic movie The Godfather was "Take it to the Mattresses." Dude, when you have a painful boil on your butt the only way to get relief is to painfully pop it so it can begin to heal.

You first need some alone time with your wife maybe when your daughter is at a friends or spending the night with a relative. You then need to Gird thy Loins, declare your love for her and have a painfully honest conversation with until you both end up crying and discuss ways to resolve your issues.

I say it is going to be painful because she is a Victim of Depression. She will be very defensive and not admit fault because honestly it isn't her fault for feeling and acting so down and unmotivated. Depression is like being in a small prison cell that you so disparately dream of being out of yet you remain there because within these walls you feel safe. She may even daydream and fantasize of what she would be like if she had a choice or chance for change. From being thin, happy to pretty and desirable. The thing is, she doesn't have access or support in a choice and instead feels trapped.

Dude, this is where YOU come in with Loins girded and declaring your true feelings, worry, desire and most of all Love for her. You have to communicate this or she'll be forced to make assumptions and some assumptions that are "mistaken" vibes that she gets from you due to the lack of communication and non-constructive arguing. (Sound familiar?) I won't lie to you, you will argue during this sit down talk and things can get crazy - but you have to break the ice if you want it to get better.

Keep in mind and know, it took her 12 years to get where she is today and change will not happen overnight. Find out her fantasies and dreams of how she would one day like to see herself and support them. Make a plan for each one and be by her side through the thick and thin of things.

Research options for getting medical attention also - from a Doctor to help her with her weight and health to a Doctor to help her with emotional issues. Go with her whenever possible. Sit the game controller down for heaven's sake and go with her out of your love and willingness to support her. Walk with her, diet with her and hold her when she slips now and then. Be her partner!

As for your daughter, I don't know what age she is - but it is never too soon to set a wonderful example that she will naturally follow. Your wife can set an example by displaying the courage it takes to pull back together. The example and standard YOU will set for her on what a wonderful husband will be like. Do you want her to fall in love and marry someone who holds a video game controller 40 hours a week? No, you would prefer a strong, supportive and loving husband. Be that and you can't go wrong. Best wishes. -Margie
Stumble It! .......posted by Margaret @ 9:36 AM  
  • At 11:55 AM, Anonymous meowminx said…

    That is some wonderful and wise advice :)

  • At 1:38 PM, Anonymous robin said…

    You know I love you, right? LOL You are a very wise and wonderful person...I just have a question..

    Why does she have to be a VICTIM of depression? Why can't she be a VICTOR? By His Stripes we are healed and it is high time we stop just lying down and suffering.

    The rest of it, I thought you did pretty good. ;)

    Love ya...and Dude just about electrocuted himself...

  • At 3:49 PM, Blogger Margaret said…

    Meowmix: Thanks, I hope it helps the guy and his family.

    Robin: Most definately she can be victorious over depression - especially with some direction, support and prayers. (Dude, electrocuted?? Is he pulling the toast out the toaster with the butter knife again?)

    Anyone: This was a tough one to answer, I almost didn't. I battled depression on and off for quite a few years and if I know anything - communication is a great start on the right track. Especially with someone who you can trust and who loves you.

  • At 3:52 PM, Blogger Dr.John said…

    Good advice.At this point she may really need some medical help to break out of a well established box. But he has to be there and make his love clear and obvious.

  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger Woozie said…

    Funny thing about that butt boil thing, just had one not too long ago.

  • At 6:52 PM, Blogger Lisa said…

    Excellent and tough advice, MM. Communication and feeling like you are partners is a great thing and yet so hard to do, for some of us.

    I'm glad you posted that. I know there must be others out there in similar circumstances.

  • At 11:54 AM, Anonymous robin said…

    Thankfully, the toaster was not involved (this time). He was trying to rewire the closet light (and doing a fine job) until we had a power surge.

  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger Loner said…

    might I add in that she will want to find a doctor who knows about PCOS - and is familiar with the use of Metformin. I just loved this answer!

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