Thursday, June 29, 2006
Surviving Slim-Fast Flatulence
Oh go on now, admit it already. If you have ever been on a high protein milkshake diet you have dealt a few.

A little quick research on the web indicates that the average human on a normal diet poots between 6 and 20 times per day. More than 40 poots a day is considered to be excessive and if you ever drank a can of Slim-Fast you have certainly experienced the obscene side of extreme.

Hydrogen sulfide is what provides the bouquet and a single can of Slim-Fast carries more sulfates and phosphates than your favorite can of baked beans. Just pooting hot air is one thing but giving flight to the Hindenburg is quite another story.

The Slim-Fast poots also don't own a sense of common etiquette. No matter where you are you'll soon feel your abdoman twist and cramp demanding immediate relief. If you're lucky you'll be in the Supermarket near the aged cheese section and can blow it off to passerbys as a cheese product gone bad.

Do you own a Dog? Great! They have a way of taking the blame proudly. (The same can be said for some husbands.)

By all means while in public places please try to avoid recreating the following:

- The CHINESE FIRECRACKER POOT:
This is an exceptional multiple noted poot identified by the number and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over it still has a few pops and bangs to go.

- The INTERROGATIVE POOT:
Starts out low and rises in pitch toward its conclusion. Sounds like
your ass is asking a question!

Stick with the 'Silent but deadly' varieties and don't make it too obvious by nervously coughing or staring up at the ceiling pretending you haven't noticed the aroma. The trick is not to identify the pooter but the poot itself. Make yourself appear as if you're trying to determine the source. Works every time.

Above all, "Shake well. Serve Cold. Enjoy."
Stumble It! .......posted by Margaret @ 2:40 PM  
5 Comments:
  • At 8:32 PM, Blogger Jo said…

    OMG.... where do you get these pictures? Do you spend hours looking them up on the web? I showed my husband and it cracked him up too.

     
  • At 9:06 AM, Anonymous robin said…

    You are hilarious - but you probably already know that.

    hugs to you guys!!

     
  • At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    oh man, that was way too funny!!

     
  • At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    oh man, that was way too funny!!

     
  • At 11:51 PM, Blogger overactive-imagination said…

    hahaha...those were hilarious!
    One of my favorites is the "blame it on someone else poot" as well.
    As in..you go into a bathroom, cut one ( after first making sure no one else is in there)and then if someone else walks in you make sure and say something about that "gal" that just left. heh
    Dawn
    You crack me up

     
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