Sunday, June 17, 2007
To the First Father I Have Known
The last time I gave you a "Father's Day" card, you ripped it up in front of me and called me a liar. That was well over 20 years ago and I knew then, what you knew - You were right. Every Father's Day card on the rack were filled with good things, words and phrases to say. So any one of them signed by me and given to an asshole like you - would make me a liar. I vowed to never, ever give you another gift or card for as long as I lived, and I'm keeping that vow even today.

Not long after that you were beating me around for something so minor, I cannot remember it. As in many times before that, the reasons were non-existent or just plain stupid that no lesson was learned or paths redirected. The corrections were unfruitful and quite senseless. It was during this beating - after the initial fear, pain and anger when I decided to speak for the first time ever.

"I'm sorry," I said, "Please stop hitting me and lets talk about this."

The hitting continued. I decided to ask you one more time to stop. Vowing to myself that if you didn't - our relationship was over. Over forever. By any and every means necessary. So I asked you to stop yet again. You didn't and you beat me until I pissed my pants and passed out.

When I came to, I was angry. That was it. I couldn't run away but I'll be damned, I had the days counted until I turned 18. I stopped spending time with the rest of my family when you were home and stayed in my room alone. I didn't share anything with you, talk to you or even ask you for anything. I'll stay in those prison walls and suck it up. I'll study, I'll plan my life and I will write.

My next report card was straight A's but I didn't bring it home to show you. But you asked for it. I told you that I wasn't going to show you because it wasn't any of your business anymore. Boy, did that make you mad. Eventually I threw it at you, and you saw it. Disproving your assumptions that I had something to hide.

You responded with some bullshit line of, "I knew you could do this." I responded by saying, "Fuck you. I didn't get good grades for your approval. I did it for myself and my future - a future which is in my hands and not yours anymore. Fuck you."

For the first time ever, I wasn't scared and lo and behold you didn't come after me to hit me for disrespecting you. You ran off to your room, slammed the door and according Mom you cried for hours.

Today is Father's Day and don't expect a card from me seeking your approval. Don't expect a phone call either. Don't expect me to write a blog post saying how thankful I am for you. I am not a liar.

I do not approve of you. I do not forgive you. I do not love you. I do not care for you. I do not cry for you.

I do hate you. I am ashamed of you and embarrassed by you.

Yet every time I look in the mirror or glance at my daughter in just the right light, I see a part of you. I'm haunted by you and wish you would just go away. I wish you would die. A long, excruciating and painful gruesome death, at that.

But I'd still remember you. Because of this you will always have some sort of power over me. I know this makes you happy and in this, go ahead and have a Happy Father's Day, Asshole.

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Stumble It! .......posted by Margaret @ 2:08 AM  
16 Comments:
  • At 3:07 AM, Blogger Anvilcloud said…

    I'm sorry for what you had to go through. You had a sire but not a father.

     
  • At 6:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi Dahling

    How lucky for you to have been blessed to suffer so much for our Lord! Rich are the rewards you will receive and are receiving! For you are blessed are you not. How lucky for you to be able to help those in dire need with fathers like this because they will trust you completely.
    Whats more you have proven to the weak of will and faith you can survive! And you lucky bitch you probably have ended your cycle on this God -forsaken hell hole and won't have to come back to this freakin planet - lucky you!
    That demon - he is not your father but your Father is in Heaven. We are just on loan to our physical parents. Every time he did what he did he did it to our Holy Father.
    God Bless you.
    Love Hanlie Koekemoer
    - always -
    xxxOxxx

     
  • At 6:43 PM, Blogger Flyinfox_SATX said…

    Margie,

    As a Dad, this post hurt. Not because I am anything like your dad or not even that I am going to make any attempt to defend him.

    All Dads make mistakes. Some, like yours, make more than others. If you truly meant what you said in your post, take away his power by forgiving.

    Forgive, not for his sake, but for yours. You are past this. Let go of the hate. Because the only real way that he still controls you is if you continue to harbor the hate deep inside. You have grown and have taken your life experiences with you. Use them to learn from, not to hate from. Once you do this, you will then truly be free.

    Just my two cents.....

    Flyinfox_SATX

     
  • At 10:20 PM, Blogger Margaret said…

    Thank you all for your comments. Yes, Flyinfox you are right. It is kind of hard to forgive, when the person you want to forgive has never said sorry.

    I have moved on, and away. I'll show this in my next post for today.

     
  • At 4:23 AM, Blogger Zanymuse said…

    Take it from me, once you let go of the hate the power an abuser had over you is finally gone and life can be good.

    Sa long as you hate you give him power over you. Let it go!

     
  • At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey Dahling

    Wishy washy ain't gonna do it either. Our Lord Jesus told us to forgive x amount of times not all the time and certainly not evil fucks! I know a little about what you went through with a brother who the family now calls "satan". Being beaten up everyday and cursed and run-down was my life till he pissed off. I have given him to God and I can tell you its only through Jesus that I will be able to forgive him. So you are justified to feel angry. Completely. It is also unhealthy not to address your anger and to assume that everything is ok. I can assure you it is NOT. Certainly in God's eyes. Would it not be an injustice and blasphemy then to forgive such an individual who has not turned from his ways? The bully must make amends and not the other way around. When will someone stand up for the downtrodden and weak! Must it always be an ineffectual forgive? Its this kind of philosophy that allows criminals to roam free and laugh at us. They do not and never will abide by our Law,
    my ramblings doll
    Love
    Hanlie

     
  • At 4:20 PM, Blogger Margaret said…

    Hi Hanlie,
    I have brought this to the Lord and confessed that I cannot forgive. The only way I could forgive is if the Lord forgives him first. This means my Father would have to hit his knees and confess and accept salvation.
    He is still alive and able to do this. But he is hateful towards God and religion. He is currently in control of my Mother who is battling Stage IV Breast Cancer. I do not trust him with her well being. All I can trust is my Father which art in heaven.
    My Mother's only sole prayer for her entire life is that my Father whom she has obeyed and loved, does come to know the Lord.
    In my love for her, I pray this also. Else he would have destroyed, trashed and ill purposed yet another life. Mom believes this is her purpose and through her actions, he will be saved.
    I admire her faith, for I have lost hope so very long ago.

    -M

     
  • At 6:10 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said…

    I don't think I've spoken about my father beating me on DoRP, I may in time. I certainly feel a connection with you after reading that, that was wonderfully open and respectful. Powerful. But doesn't your faith teach you to look past that, be the better person and forgive?

    I don't mean to judge.

     
  • At 8:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Our Faith is I think misunderstood Orhan and abused by evil people. One group of Christians would have us believe that we must forgive and forget the other like myself rather think our Lord was speaking of people that have repented. Lord Jesus told Mary Magdelene to STOP sinning. And likewise with the man on the cross he didn't pronounce on his punishment but rather the fact that this murderer had repented. This world is full of unrepentent liars! I do not think Jesus intended us to allow these people carte blanche and that we must be strong. Moreover I think people that claim to forgive and moveon are liars. We are not talking about a minor wrong here. Margie has been tortured by this man who is quite plainly demon possessed. Until he repents how can he be forgiven! And, how many of us can even claim to be like Jesus. How many of us have that right. Its this notion that allows liberals who are in fact in contempt of God and Jesus to abuse our love of peace and harmony. It has allowed for a situation in our country where murderers get off scott free. Laughing smiling murderers. Lastly the book of Revelations warns people about what our Lord is really about. Of concern are those and only those that have given themselves to Christ not the heathen and unrepentent evil.
    My five cents
    -H

     
  • At 10:14 AM, Blogger Margaret said…

    esus said, "Forgive them Father for they do not know what they are doing." Only God knows my father's heart and if my father knew what damage he was doing to my psyche and person over my childhood years. My father didn't believe in God and to date hasn't held accountability for his actions.

    There is also a great chance that my father was only doing what he knew and experienced by his parents. The dysfunction runs deep on his side of the family. From teenage pregnancy, divorce, incest, rape, drug and alcohol abuse, depression and suicide among all of his siblings - this is all he has known and come to expect as normal.

    I'm not forgiving, but instead shouting that this is NOT normal or acceptable. It is in my best interest not to ever come face to face with him again and especially bring my daughter into such a dysfunctional presence. My responsibility is to KNOW what I am doing and not to repeat this cycle.

    Peace, or rather Shalom - means a healthy peace. It cannot be obtained by always being quiet, unresponsive or forgiving to such evils. This is merely, submission to evil and allowance for it to continue. The enslaved, afraid and abused would only silently sit in constant fear of their oppressors, unable to forgive, unable to trust and most of all unable to live free in body, mind and spirit.

    It isn't bad to stand up and fight. To shout or write a blog post that yells, "Hey you're a fuckin' asshole."

    I'm sure my father won't or cannot read this post, but maybe another father who was like him will. (1 Timothy 2:4 - "God wants all people to be saved and to come to a full knowledge of the truth.") Maybe this father will wake up and realize he was an asshole too - and hit his knees and apologize. Turning away from the dysfunction, pain and damaging behavior that mental/physical abuse can do to a kid.

    I have faith that this can happen and if it does, then my past experiences and life as a whole, would have served a greater purpose. One thing I do know for certain, I didn't go through all of that for nothing. =O)

     
  • At 2:24 AM, Blogger evalinn said…

    Another touching, sharing post! I´ve had issues with my dad, but he never did anything like this to me, but I can totally understand your anger and bitterness. I don´t think that man has any power over u anymore. It sounds like u´ve moved on. But he was part of your life and what´s happened to u will always be part of what made u who u are today. But only because of how u choose to react. And u are doing things to feel better about yourself, which your dad obviously never did. Maybe one day u will find it possible to forgive, but only when u´re ready.

     
  • At 6:48 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said…

    I feel like I've been served ;)

    You are brave and incredibly passionate by the looks of things. Never change, is all I can say :)

     
  • At 8:07 AM, Blogger Margaret said…

    I love you to pieces Orhan. =O)

     
  • At 9:04 PM, Blogger doctor chip said…

    some things are unforgiveable.

    smile, MargieMix.

    you are out of the clutches, now.

    ahem.

     
  • At 9:19 PM, Blogger Margaret said…

    ... and I love you to pieces too Dr. Chip. =O)

    Bikini underwear? Hmmmm.

     
  • At 2:42 PM, Blogger Georgia Peach said…

    From one soul sister to another, hang in there like a hair in a biscuit, Miss Margie, and when he dies he pain will dim and the Lord will judge him mightly..count on it! Most abusers, so the "experts" say were abused themselves, like this is an excuse to pass along the pain, I see you are not like your father in any way, shape or form! Praise your good sense and the Lord for giving you the wisdom and the strength to overcome your father's sadist treatment of you, and not pass it along to your child, and future children. God bless that weary but strong old soul you have, Margie girl. You inspire me and many others to rise about the bullshit at the bottom of the flowers, and just smell the roses at the bloom.

    Love and Hugs, GA Peach

     
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